I cut my hair. Well, I had my hair cut. I realized last week as I was sitting there and my 'hair girl' was cutting inches and inches off my head that I tend to do this in the midst of hard times. I guess everyone gets to a point where they NEED change... or for women, specifically, you kind of just get sick of the look you have. However, for me, I think I do it as a method of control. My hair is one of the VERY few things I have total control over. Long, short, colored, not, up, down, straight (kind of), curly. So, on day two of the trial last week, I came home and called my girl and she came over and cut it off. Not too short- chin length... but I didn't tell anyone... or ask anyone. I didn't prepare anyone for what I was doing. I just, on a whim, got it cut. For me, I guess its an outlet. Of course, its a limited outlet. However, it works. I instantly felt better. I don't regret doing it. And I like how it looks. WIN/WIN/WIN. Chris, on the other hand, different story.
Court last week... if I had ONE word to sum it up: conflicted. I sat on the witness stand undergoing questioning from three different attorneys. I was told that I remained articulate and did well. It didn't feel like that sitting up there. I can say that I did my best and I believe that I accurately represented my child, her needs, and her as a part of my family. I went home every evening completely drained. Vulnerability and frustration have remained my 'life' for years now. I'm really looking forward to the day that my emotions come back off my sleeves and my thoughts become as concrete as the drive for my children is. I don't know if that will ever happen again... but I certainly do hope.
I've spent a lot of time (compared to usual) thinking back through mom and dad's divorce this past week, too. And in the light of control... the fact that the longer you share a relationship with someone (regardless of the quality of that relationship) the harder it is to break ties. My parents divorce will be a year old in a few months. It is still hard for me to disassociate them, at times. But, nearly a year later, I've realized that neither of them has REALLY moved on. Dad tried, I guess... but of course, thats a deep well of analyzing. I think, for me, it just shows that regardless of the health or unhealthiness of the relationships we allow in our lives... change sometimes seems impossible.
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