Snap out of it...

I feel like I need someone to smack me really hard and just say "snap out of it." Out of what? Well, I'm not really sure. I've realized lately (by my husband's own admission) that he isn't sure who I am anymore. Truth is: I'm not so sure myself. I remember a time when I was a little more pleasant to be around. Back then, I enjoyed the party... enjoyed even more HOSTING the party. Now, I run away from the party. If I could figure out a way to be by myself... I'd jump on it. However, I am the mother to four and the wife to one and the friend to many. Not sure how good a friend I am anymore... actually, probably pretty crappy. But, I've have the few that I hold tight to and hope that they don't give up on me like the others have. I've spent what is going on three years in a fog. Some days, weeks, months were better than others. But definitely had periods of time when I'd rather run away and never come back. I've given up on the 'fake.' The facade that we all play to cover our reputation for others. I don't care. Many talk, few do anything but talk. The image of the person looking back at me in the mirror is becoming more familiar but its not the person I once was. When Chris and I were in college... when I was young and naive (he says I was NEVER naive) and had the whole world figured out... that girl looked a lot different. We have the same eye color- but my eyes are now just a bit darker. They aren't so welcoming anymore either. They're still a mix of two warm colors... a unique quality found in few. But, they're guarded and untrusting. I'm not sure when that happened. Was it an overnight experience? Probably not. Regardless, they've changed. Some days I feel bad for Chris. The woman I am today is certainly not the girl he married. Once optimistic, now realistic with a side of pessimism. Once driven, now angry. Once carefree and playful, now unamused and weighed down with life. I told him recently that I don't understand how we've gone through many of the same experiences in the past 5 years of our marriage and yet he seems unbothered by it all. I realized that I internalize everything. I may not blow up about it immediately. I may seem to let it go to some degree. But the truth of the matter is... whether or not I talk about it... its still there. He, on the other hand, truly lets it go. I don't understand that. Maybe if I did... things would be better rather than worse. I guess I'm contemplating this all because once again the reminder that life is short has come back up. In the course of the past week, two friends from high school/college have suddenly passed. And my sister is facing a major change in her health as well. I'm just tired. I want to live life like there is no tomorrow. I want to bask in a beautiful starry sky sipping a glass of wine. I want to smell honeysuckles and taste them again like its the first time. I want to wake up in the morning and love my life. When does that happen again?