A few days... a hard week

At the risk of seeming melodramatic, sometimes I feel like my life is a huge tornado. I'm caught in the middle of this huge destructive force that takes out homes and families and shelters and food and people. I, personally, am not the tornado... I'm just caught in the middle of it. Not the middle that has the peaceful, sun shining, beautiful eye... the middle that allows me no way to escape and so I either surrender to the force and go with it or I fight and become a result of the destruction myself. That may not be the best example... but I'll elaborate.

I've spent two plus years JOYFULLY loving a child that I was given. I do believe God allowed her to be placed in my care and protection. I'm not much for the 'everything happens for a reason' camp... but regardless, I've been fighting for the opportunity to be legally deemed this child's mother for over 26 months. It became clear early on that she (I'll not name her- for protective purposes) has a wide array of developmental delays. These delays range from physical to congitive. In the middle of that, I've rushed forward seeking resources to help this child in every area I can. There have been days of frustration and days of disappointment. However, there have been days of great victory and days of massive accomplishment too. Not one day have I ever felt burdened by loving this child. Not one day have I ever felt any differently toward her than I have my other three kids. She is mine... in my heart, in my soul, in my life. She is mine. But legally, she is someone else's.

Tomorrow I begin, what I anticipate to be possibly the hardest days of my life to date. I will sit on a court stand and testify to this child's needs. I will testify to her place in my home and family. I will testify to loving her as my own. I will also look into the eyes of the man who created her life and whole heartedly affirm that he should not be given the right to father her. Its harsh, I know. The circumstances are complicated and ugly and one day I will write a book which details those circumstances. In the meantime, I will spend the next three days of my life sitting in a court room listening to testimony after testimony. I will listen to details of facts that I know little about. I will watch the birth father and his family and I am sure I will be sick. I cannot fathom EVER being in that position. I will NEVER be in that position. But, deep down, I do feel something... not remorse... but something- as a parent myself- that makes it hard for me to sit there hard and emotionless as I pile on to the reasons why he is not fit to be a part of this child's life. He should not be given the opportunity to father her. I have NO questions about that fact. Again, there are a million details I can't go into... but those details are also what makes my heart hurt over this situation. I find myself wondering, is it possible to really hate the man who created a child that you adore? I'm clear headed- my mind is sharp and ready. My heart is heavy and sad. Here goes everything...