Chris flew to Texas this evening, again. His company has launched a huge marketing campaign and Chris is involved in the financials and planning of this new venture. So, he spends another week, almost, in Dallas. We agreed back at the end of the year that it would be okay for him to travel more, and so I knew this would be happening. I'm fine with him being away and I'm getting used to sleeping lightly. Lizzie (my pup) stands guard at night and barks at any sound she hears. I walk around at least twice and make sure that all the windows and doors are locked. My phone stays in its usual spot of underneath my pillow. My kids doors are open and my in laws are right next door... if I should need them. I mostly spend the evenings bickering with my girls (after they are in bed) because they don't seem to settle down and go to sleep for me the way they do when their daddy is here. Go figure. Today, Emma has been coughing pretty badly... which doesn't necessarily mean anything. However, I did have to wake her twice after she fell asleep tonight to give her a breathing treatment and then again to have her inhale albuterol. All is silent in the girls room since the treatment.
I just finished my first semester back to college. I'm going a little nuts waiting for grades to be posted. I think professors have until midnight tomorrow night. I decided to take the summer off... right now, I kind of wish I had decided to continue through but I could use the mental break. I anticipate a B in my Nutrition class. I was borderline the entire semester with an A- but I just don't think I made it. The statistics class on the other hand, kicked my ass. I have never had a harder class in my life. My brain just doesn't seem to contort to the shape of statistical math. I recently found out that these classes are basically obsolete anymore anyway because software and computer programs has made it unnecessary. We'll see how this semester ends up. I restart in the fall taking 9 hours. 6 of those are psychology hours online and then 3 hours is an research writing/english class. The good thing is that in December, I'll graduate with an AA in Psychology. The degree is COMPLETELY unuseful. However, it will help me with moving into the BSN program @ Towson University starting in January. I'm now officially the last one in my family (my parents and sisters) to complete my bachelor's degree... I'm proud of Rebecca... and now Tiffany is working on her masters. Dad already has a masters... mom finished her bachelor's years ago. I want to finish mine. Chris says he doesn't understand why I'm so bent on continuing. He says "I have all my needs met and someone who is happy to do that for me." I have been ineffective in articulating to him that its something that I need to do. I want to be an example to my kids... to finish what you start... even if it take 15 years. I want my girls to know that having an education is important. I need to finish this degree to prove to myself that I can do it. It is hard work... and I am doing it at an impossible time in life. But if the impossible times in life don't press us toward change then we're stuck without hope. I'll press on.
The last few days have been a little... a lot... emotional. Lots of crap happening with Sophie and we go to TPR next week. We've waited for 26 months for this court appearance... and we're 8 days away. My nerves are shot... I try not to think about it. In the meantime, I feel completely self destructive. Its crazy. Really. I say things. Do things. Things that I KNOW are bad... things that I know good can't come from. But, I can't seem to stop. I find that its very difficult for me to attach to people for the same reason its not easy for me to unattach to them. Its all an unhealthy cycle of lack of trust and lack of confidence to leave things behind that aren't good. I have watched person after person become someone different than who they said they were over and over and over again within the course of the past two years. I've been trampled down and kicked by people who said they were "believers." I don't question their salvation, I know we're all sinners. What I do question is if anything in their life is true and real. I wonder that about everyone, really. I mean... does everyone live a different life behind closed doors? Is there anyone out there who IS what they appear to be? I have come to seriously doubt there is anyone like that. I think we're all hypocrites in same form or fashion. We look out for our reputation, we look out for our families reputation. We don't want anyone to think bad things about us... and certainly don't want anyone to see the ugly truth. I think I've realized that once we accept that we're all flawed... some more than others. Or we realize that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship... maybe we can rest a little in knowing we aren't so different from everyone else. My question: When do we all tear the walls down and stop dancing around the truth with fairytale lies?
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