So, I've contemplated blogging on this very touchy Christian/pagan subject and had decided against it. However, the more I've thought about it... the more I think there are some things that I need to say when it comes to Halloween.
I'll start with saying: in my life as a child/teen- I only remember trick or treating one year. That year, I don't know what made my folks decide it was ok- but my grandparents had celebrated their anniversary in hawaii that year and had purchased and sent full hula costumes for us girls- complete with grass skirts. I vaguely remember us going to a few friends of my parent's houses... not a neighborhood thing... no major big deal. Honestly, I never felt like I was deprived by not participating. I really didn't care. As we got older and were in public schools- it was a little more difficult to explain to peers that we didn't dress up and trick or treat... but, as soon as November 1st hit... life was all about Christmas anyway.
As adults, Chris and I have made the 'stand' to not participate with Halloween with our children. We never purchased candy and distributed... we never bought costumes.... we never really felt much need to address it with the kids with the exception of : we don't do it. However, for the first time in our married life of almost 14 years, we seemed to come to the same place on this subject... at the same time, this Halloween.
We recently moved to a new neighborhood- new town- new state... as you can imagine, when you pick up your family from a place that you've made home for the last 11 years- the adjustment can take a little while. We've enjoyed getting to know our neighbors and we love our neighborhood... and we noticed fairly quickly of the talk about Halloween in the neighborhood. It's a big deal here. Chris and I talked about it and surprisingly enough- the things in the past that had tripped us up on Halloween seemed trivial and divisive. We know the history- we are informed- we know the darkness of the roots of this tradition. We know November 1st is All Saint's Day- we know. Pagan.- Its a word that Christian's throw around but the connotation associated with it... seems to upset the actual definition. So, I thought I'd highlight the definition of pagan - here goes: 1. a member of a group professing a polytheistic religion or any religion other than Christianity, Judaism, or Islam
2. a person without any religion; heathen ;
As I go further into this: I think you should also know- I don't enjoy Halloween. I don't like scary. I don't like creepy. I don't do bloody or evil. But... I do LOVE people... and I want to be known as someone who loves my neighbor as myself. I think its also important to note that we've been part of multiple churches and bodies of believers who have made public opinions/standings on Halloween and why Christians should not participate period. I can say- in those same groups of believers and Christians- I've seen flat out sin and lack of love for fellow believers to the extreme of divisive relationships and separation of groups with little in the way of mercy or forgiveness let alone grace and patience. I can tell you- all I hear is clanging cymbals. So, for many of the reasons I am expressing and for some reasons that I don't feel the need to go into... for the love of our neighbors, for the adherence to the new culture we are assimilating to, and for the grace and divine discernment that ONLY God can sometimes give you... or me... we participated/bought costumes/walked around with our neighbors and enjoyed our first Halloween as a Christian family. I can tell you... it doesn't matter to me what people think about how I raise my children or about the decisions that we choose to make regarding our family. I think that we've realized through all of the clarity of "understanding" the truth and for throwing that at other believers when they didn't have the 'spiritual maturity' that we did in participating in functions or activities... we lost ourselves in pride and judgmentalness. I don't ever want to look down on my Christian brothers and sisters and pretend that I know or understand more than they do... or that I 'get it' when maybe they don't... yet. Instead, I want to love others and I want my children to love others- for their differences and their similarities. I think for me... what Halloween boils down to: when you think you've got it all figured out... hold tight... the ground might just start shifting on you. God is good!(even on Halloween). :-)
Monday, October 31, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Late in the week- Update...
I have had multiple emails, texts, calls, etc concerning the goings on of my health currently. So, I thought I would quickly just give a mid/late week update with what I found out yesterday:
On both Monday and Tuesday I went to the doctor. Monday was to an emergent care type of place. The doctor there confirmed by swollen lymph nodes and started me on a course of prednisone. His suggestion was to get into a permanent family doctor ASAP for continued treatment and maintenance. THANKFULLY, I was successful in finding a family doctor who is only about 10 minutes down the road and to whom I was excessively impressed with. On Tuesday afternoon, I met with my new family doctor who began a battery of labs on me. I got a call yesterday afternoon with my results. Here's how it breaks down:
1. Vitamin D is a 24. The bottom normal of vitamin D starts at 32... so, its way off. This has been a continued problem for the past year in conjunction with the beginning SLE (Systematic Lupus Erythematosus) diagnosis. Evidently, those two things are very closely linked. As a result, he has started me on a high dose of vitamin D which I will continue for 3 months before having labs rechecked.
2. Last fall, also in conjunction with the SLE, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism (under active thyroid). I was informed this is also a common problem with lupus. Last year my dosing started at .25 and then increased to .5 but as of yesterday, due to the low levels, my dosage has doubled and I'm now on 1.0 of synthroid to help with this problem.
3. My WBC (white blood count), lymphocytes, and neutrophils were all 'very' elevated, which the doctor said is indicative of an acute bacterial infection. Interestingly enough, while at both doctors this week, they did the routine checking of my ears, nose, throat, and lungs and both doctors said everything was clear with no infection. Obviously, somewhere in my body... infection is plaguing me... so- I have been started on an antibiotic which will hopefully knock whatever it is causing the problem OUT fast.
With all of the above- the good news was that my kidney and liver functions were good- though bordering the low end of normal. The rest of my electrolytes looked fine and so did my red blood count and platelets. So... the course of treatment is all I mentioned above, as well as continuing on the prednisone. And the doctors office is making the referral appointment to Vanderbilt hospital for a rheumatologist there. We are hoping to get an appointment prior to Thanksgiving to kind of keep the flare from getting worse and to keep everything under some type of 'control.'
Currently, I can just say that I am frustrated and extremely fatigued. The most aggravating symptoms I'm dealing with are the flushed/red facial 'rash', on again off again temperature, and fatigue. My Raynaud's (blue fingers) is acting up almost daily... but, I don't necessarily mind that so much. So, that's it in a nutshell. I'm making adjustments to daily life to alleviate some stress and increased pressure and hopefully that will help. If you think of me, whisper a prayer... I can use it!
On both Monday and Tuesday I went to the doctor. Monday was to an emergent care type of place. The doctor there confirmed by swollen lymph nodes and started me on a course of prednisone. His suggestion was to get into a permanent family doctor ASAP for continued treatment and maintenance. THANKFULLY, I was successful in finding a family doctor who is only about 10 minutes down the road and to whom I was excessively impressed with. On Tuesday afternoon, I met with my new family doctor who began a battery of labs on me. I got a call yesterday afternoon with my results. Here's how it breaks down:
1. Vitamin D is a 24. The bottom normal of vitamin D starts at 32... so, its way off. This has been a continued problem for the past year in conjunction with the beginning SLE (Systematic Lupus Erythematosus) diagnosis. Evidently, those two things are very closely linked. As a result, he has started me on a high dose of vitamin D which I will continue for 3 months before having labs rechecked.
2. Last fall, also in conjunction with the SLE, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism (under active thyroid). I was informed this is also a common problem with lupus. Last year my dosing started at .25 and then increased to .5 but as of yesterday, due to the low levels, my dosage has doubled and I'm now on 1.0 of synthroid to help with this problem.
3. My WBC (white blood count), lymphocytes, and neutrophils were all 'very' elevated, which the doctor said is indicative of an acute bacterial infection. Interestingly enough, while at both doctors this week, they did the routine checking of my ears, nose, throat, and lungs and both doctors said everything was clear with no infection. Obviously, somewhere in my body... infection is plaguing me... so- I have been started on an antibiotic which will hopefully knock whatever it is causing the problem OUT fast.
With all of the above- the good news was that my kidney and liver functions were good- though bordering the low end of normal. The rest of my electrolytes looked fine and so did my red blood count and platelets. So... the course of treatment is all I mentioned above, as well as continuing on the prednisone. And the doctors office is making the referral appointment to Vanderbilt hospital for a rheumatologist there. We are hoping to get an appointment prior to Thanksgiving to kind of keep the flare from getting worse and to keep everything under some type of 'control.'
Currently, I can just say that I am frustrated and extremely fatigued. The most aggravating symptoms I'm dealing with are the flushed/red facial 'rash', on again off again temperature, and fatigue. My Raynaud's (blue fingers) is acting up almost daily... but, I don't necessarily mind that so much. So, that's it in a nutshell. I'm making adjustments to daily life to alleviate some stress and increased pressure and hopefully that will help. If you think of me, whisper a prayer... I can use it!
Monday, October 24, 2011
Voila! Prednisone!
So, I've mentioned that I've been feeling a little defeated in the health arena lately. I have boughts of fatigue which can happen to any busy mom but mine seems to last for extended periods of time paired with blue fingers (Raynaud's Phenomenon) and a variety of other pleasant health dysfunctions. Last week, I came down with a nasty upper respiratory infection of some sort- although it felt very "flu-like." After a week of riding my bed and sofa, I finally started to feel a tad bit better on Saturday morning and yesterday I felt a little more like myself. Imagine my surprise last night when I accidentally discovered that my lymph nodes on the right side of my neck were severely swollen. The swelling was so significant that it truly freaked me out. So, this morning, bright and early at 7:15 am, I made an appointment with what will be my new family doctor here in town... but as a new patient, they can't get me in until next week. Their suggestion, due to the acute swelling, see an urgent care doctor today to start treatment. So, I did. I briefly went through my recent history and expressed my concern with the swelling in my lymph nodes. He examined me and was equally impressed with the size of my glands on the right side. His exact words were: " with as large as your lymph nodes are currently, I would expect to find a raging infection in your ear, throat, and/ or lungs. But you don't have any of those. This is a definite auto immune reaction." FANTASTIC. He went on to inform me that if I were symptomatic (complaining of sore throat, difficulty swallowing, and/or high temp) that he would've sent me on for a CAT scan... but instead, he believes that I need to start a round of steroids immediately to get this inflammation under control. FAN-BLOODY-TASTIC! His next piece of advice... STOP. He told me that I have to slow down, that if I don't, I'll end up very ill very fast. So, here we are again, almost a year later... a doctor in another state telling me that I have begun a 'flare' and has begun me on steroids for at least the next 16 days. In the meantime, I have to declutter my life and allow my body time to rest and hopefully recover. I also have to find a rheumatalogist ASAP to try and help with maintenance on this lovely condition. In the meantime, I am very frustrated with this whole ordeal.
Chris is headed back to Maryland tomorrow for the last time of this transition. He will be there for about a week... although the time line hasn't really been clearly laid out for me as far as what his plans are. I'm so over this separation and traveling/distance. So glad that its almost over. Currently, he is still looking for a job- but his current employer has asked for him to stay on until November 18th-- which is great- that gives us another month of insurance and gives him more time to land a job here in Nashville. He has several leads but the process is going way slower than we had initially anticipated. We're hoping that we won't be dealing with a lapse of employment at all... of course.
Alright, girls are home from school... mommyhood calls.
Chris is headed back to Maryland tomorrow for the last time of this transition. He will be there for about a week... although the time line hasn't really been clearly laid out for me as far as what his plans are. I'm so over this separation and traveling/distance. So glad that its almost over. Currently, he is still looking for a job- but his current employer has asked for him to stay on until November 18th-- which is great- that gives us another month of insurance and gives him more time to land a job here in Nashville. He has several leads but the process is going way slower than we had initially anticipated. We're hoping that we won't be dealing with a lapse of employment at all... of course.
Alright, girls are home from school... mommyhood calls.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
82 days until Christmas
The holidays are coming... I know, I know... summer has just officially turned to fall... and I'm talking about the holidays. I sat down last night and filled in my planner with all the things that go into a planner: practices, games, due dates for assignments, birthdays, anniversary's, and HOLIDAY VACATIONS! I have to say, I think the reason I'm so looking forward to the holidays is because I want to REST. I want to sleep in past 7 am and go to bed late after watching a great movie with the family. I want to make cookies and pumpkin bread and decorate our tree and house. I want to methodically plan out gifts for those that I love. But... again... I want to rest. FYI: 82 days until Christmas!
so, if you follow my facebook: you will know that by some freak of nature, Nick broke his right hand/wrist on Wednesday of last week during football practice and his left arm/radial head on Saturday night here in the neighborhood. Chris is in Maryland for another four days- and has been there since last Tuesday night... so, its been a blast around here. I sat in the dr's office for 90 minutes on Saturday morning for her to tell me what I knew: put him in a brace and wait until we see the ortho on Monday. Then, later that night while playing/running with a friend, Nick tripped on a large rock and crashed to the pavement. He came in whimpering and it was fairly obvious that he had broken his arm. I then spent late Saturday night and early Sunday morning in the ER with Nick. The ER doc said she "knew" it was a radial head fracture but couldn't visualize it on the xray. She splinted him good and told me to get into the ortho early on Monday. So, I kept Nick home from school today since I had class and I wasn't sure when his appointment was going to be. They got him in around 1pm this afternoon- and took some xrays. Low and behold: that radial head fracture was VERY obvious- and the suspected stress fracture on his right hand was confirmed. The recovery times on both of those injuries? 6-8 weeks on the arm/elbow/radial head and 8-12 weeks on the stress fracture due to the awful location of it. Just fantastic. So, I spent this afternoon at Nick's school talking with the administrators and his homeroom teacher to make sure there would be accommodations made for him. Considering he is unable to write, carry his book bag, carry a tray, do any physical activity-- I thought we should have some type of plan for him. Later on, on my way back from dance with Emma, I stopped by the school again and discussed Nick's injuries with the football coach. The good news is: this was the last week of the season- so, he only missed a few practices and two games. The bad news is: he broke both arms/wrists/hands!
We are officially into the final month of Chris' transition from his current position, THANK GOD!!! He'll be home on Friday night and should be here for a few weeks before returning to Maryland for one final stay as they finish up and close up his office. I am so ready for him to be here permanently. In the meantime, he has met with multiple recruiters and he has had one promising interview and a phone interview with another company who he'll be meeting with again a week from today. Both of the companies he's interviewed with so far are great opportunities for him. We are really hoping that he'll be able to secure a position in the next few weeks prior to his completion at Flex. But, we'll see how that goes. Right now: we are in crunch time and we're getting a little nervous.
Temps have been mild and somewhat cool for this area of the country this early in the season. I love it! However, my hands have already started turning blue again. I'm learning to take signs from my body and I can definitely tell when I'm overdoing it. I've had a few boughts of achiness and soreness along with fatigue-- so I'm really trying to watch it. I haven't sought out a family dr or vascular or rheumatologist here... but, I may need to work on that. I do have steroids on hand, if I need them... but I'm hoping to avoid that for as long as possible. I'm certain that the first thing I need to be doing is getting more rest. Of course, that's a bit of an issue as I play the role of single parent. For now, I'm pressing through and trying not to overdo it. TRYING...
Good night moon.
so, if you follow my facebook: you will know that by some freak of nature, Nick broke his right hand/wrist on Wednesday of last week during football practice and his left arm/radial head on Saturday night here in the neighborhood. Chris is in Maryland for another four days- and has been there since last Tuesday night... so, its been a blast around here. I sat in the dr's office for 90 minutes on Saturday morning for her to tell me what I knew: put him in a brace and wait until we see the ortho on Monday. Then, later that night while playing/running with a friend, Nick tripped on a large rock and crashed to the pavement. He came in whimpering and it was fairly obvious that he had broken his arm. I then spent late Saturday night and early Sunday morning in the ER with Nick. The ER doc said she "knew" it was a radial head fracture but couldn't visualize it on the xray. She splinted him good and told me to get into the ortho early on Monday. So, I kept Nick home from school today since I had class and I wasn't sure when his appointment was going to be. They got him in around 1pm this afternoon- and took some xrays. Low and behold: that radial head fracture was VERY obvious- and the suspected stress fracture on his right hand was confirmed. The recovery times on both of those injuries? 6-8 weeks on the arm/elbow/radial head and 8-12 weeks on the stress fracture due to the awful location of it. Just fantastic. So, I spent this afternoon at Nick's school talking with the administrators and his homeroom teacher to make sure there would be accommodations made for him. Considering he is unable to write, carry his book bag, carry a tray, do any physical activity-- I thought we should have some type of plan for him. Later on, on my way back from dance with Emma, I stopped by the school again and discussed Nick's injuries with the football coach. The good news is: this was the last week of the season- so, he only missed a few practices and two games. The bad news is: he broke both arms/wrists/hands!
We are officially into the final month of Chris' transition from his current position, THANK GOD!!! He'll be home on Friday night and should be here for a few weeks before returning to Maryland for one final stay as they finish up and close up his office. I am so ready for him to be here permanently. In the meantime, he has met with multiple recruiters and he has had one promising interview and a phone interview with another company who he'll be meeting with again a week from today. Both of the companies he's interviewed with so far are great opportunities for him. We are really hoping that he'll be able to secure a position in the next few weeks prior to his completion at Flex. But, we'll see how that goes. Right now: we are in crunch time and we're getting a little nervous.
Temps have been mild and somewhat cool for this area of the country this early in the season. I love it! However, my hands have already started turning blue again. I'm learning to take signs from my body and I can definitely tell when I'm overdoing it. I've had a few boughts of achiness and soreness along with fatigue-- so I'm really trying to watch it. I haven't sought out a family dr or vascular or rheumatologist here... but, I may need to work on that. I do have steroids on hand, if I need them... but I'm hoping to avoid that for as long as possible. I'm certain that the first thing I need to be doing is getting more rest. Of course, that's a bit of an issue as I play the role of single parent. For now, I'm pressing through and trying not to overdo it. TRYING...
Good night moon.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
All Things Beautiful...
Anyone outside of the Nashville area will have NO idea what a Williamson County life looks like. Those of you who don't understand... you may think, how much can a county affect your family or who you are... or better... who you are expected to be? Well, let me fill you in:
In 2011, Williamson county was ranked #17 of the top 25 wealthiest counties in the United States. Among those other counties ranked in the top 25 are those around the DC area and in other densely populated areas in the North East of the country. Now, income/wealth are only one aspect of the Williamson county life that I referring to- but it is a component. I've observed this county as an outsider and now (2 months in) as a resident and I can say I'm learning a lot. There are areas of the county that are seen as "nicer" or more "rural" than others. There are areas of the county where the schools are considered superior or inferior to others. There are areas of the county were the towns are referred to as more "friendly" than others. Thankfully, what we've found in this community that we so carefully chose to live is friendly, real neighbors; teachers who are committed to working with our kids to their fullest potential; and a focus on family and not on possession. I've considered over the past few months what it must feel like to live in other areas of this county- the pressure to fit in, the expectation of measuring up, and the need to constantly appear proper to everyone. I can say- if I've learned anything over the past few years of my life- its that I DO NOT measure up... I'm a mess. For a long time, I tried to ignore it, and then I tried to conceal it, and I've finally just accepted it. It doesn't mean that I'm not driven to be better- or be what I am intended to be... but what it does mean is that I won't bury myself in the guilt or shame or frustration of not being what other people think I should be... I will never live my life like that again. What you see is what you get with me... So, I've found it interesting that in our choosing this VERY suburban community to assimilate into, that we chose (without a whole ton of research) a community that seems to suit our life as a family to an almost exact proximity. Sure, the houses are a little closer than we are used to, and the yard is a little smaller than what we came from, and its a tad bit warmer than we have grown accustomed to... but, I have to say: I do love it here. I don't want to be just another "Williamson County Family." I want to raise my children in a community that we are invested in with people that we love and trust and I want my kids to know that your zip code doesn't matter any more than your job title does...
I light of the "Williamson county" life that I am adjusting to--- I've spent the past week considering where we've come from... and I don't mean geography. I've mentioned that the past three or so years have been insanely difficult- and they have. There were many many days that I wished I could wake up from the nightmare I was trapped in. We felt our lives collapsing from every angle and the foundation that we thought was so firm suddenly became very shaky. There were people in our life that encouraged us on our road, reassuring us of how much God really loved us. They were confident that in the end, we'd see that love in the clarity that HE would reveal to us in His own time. This week... just this week, that happened. Somehow out of so much pain and anger and bitterness (yes, bitterness)... there is clarity. It doesn't mean that we aren't jaded... it doesn't mean that we aren't guarded or cynical... (I hope one day that all wears away too)... but what it does mean is that NOW I can see clearly. Would I want to do it all over again? Absolutely not. However, through a devotional this week I realized that the horrible things that happen in our lives during terrible dark seasons... those things aren't just done TO us or FOR us... those instances in life when we feel like we can't breathe anymore... and then we do... those instances are for us to live through and share. The bad is made good- ashes are turned to beauty- and we get to survive and share. I told Chris last night, I want to write a book. I'm not sure what direction I want to take. I don't know when I'll start or when I'll finish. I don't know if I'll write it and tuck it away or if I will publish it. I don't know. What I do know is that in my medial 32 plus years of life... I've experienced a lot of it. And even though God has given me clarity--- maybe it wasn't all just for me. I can't promise that I'll ever be an eloquent writer- all I can promise is that I'll be real. Honesty is not for the weak...
I'll finish with this- we went to a show last night for a band called Gungor. They were phenomenal. Eclectic, anointed lyrics, music, and ability was what they displayed. As we drove home last night I told Chris, there was so much honesty in the music/lyrics that we had just heard. This man and his wife (who write all their own music) had lived life- I don't know the details of their circumstances- but he poured out his life and his pain and his happiness and his frustration in his music. To be honest, they are out of the box and a lot of people won't 'get it' when they hear Gungor's message. But, that music last night spoke to me a further element of clarity than a simple conversation could. Out of their beautiful message of song- it further confirmed this message that God has been delivering me all week: He makes all things beautiful.
In 2011, Williamson county was ranked #17 of the top 25 wealthiest counties in the United States. Among those other counties ranked in the top 25 are those around the DC area and in other densely populated areas in the North East of the country. Now, income/wealth are only one aspect of the Williamson county life that I referring to- but it is a component. I've observed this county as an outsider and now (2 months in) as a resident and I can say I'm learning a lot. There are areas of the county that are seen as "nicer" or more "rural" than others. There are areas of the county where the schools are considered superior or inferior to others. There are areas of the county were the towns are referred to as more "friendly" than others. Thankfully, what we've found in this community that we so carefully chose to live is friendly, real neighbors; teachers who are committed to working with our kids to their fullest potential; and a focus on family and not on possession. I've considered over the past few months what it must feel like to live in other areas of this county- the pressure to fit in, the expectation of measuring up, and the need to constantly appear proper to everyone. I can say- if I've learned anything over the past few years of my life- its that I DO NOT measure up... I'm a mess. For a long time, I tried to ignore it, and then I tried to conceal it, and I've finally just accepted it. It doesn't mean that I'm not driven to be better- or be what I am intended to be... but what it does mean is that I won't bury myself in the guilt or shame or frustration of not being what other people think I should be... I will never live my life like that again. What you see is what you get with me... So, I've found it interesting that in our choosing this VERY suburban community to assimilate into, that we chose (without a whole ton of research) a community that seems to suit our life as a family to an almost exact proximity. Sure, the houses are a little closer than we are used to, and the yard is a little smaller than what we came from, and its a tad bit warmer than we have grown accustomed to... but, I have to say: I do love it here. I don't want to be just another "Williamson County Family." I want to raise my children in a community that we are invested in with people that we love and trust and I want my kids to know that your zip code doesn't matter any more than your job title does...
I light of the "Williamson county" life that I am adjusting to--- I've spent the past week considering where we've come from... and I don't mean geography. I've mentioned that the past three or so years have been insanely difficult- and they have. There were many many days that I wished I could wake up from the nightmare I was trapped in. We felt our lives collapsing from every angle and the foundation that we thought was so firm suddenly became very shaky. There were people in our life that encouraged us on our road, reassuring us of how much God really loved us. They were confident that in the end, we'd see that love in the clarity that HE would reveal to us in His own time. This week... just this week, that happened. Somehow out of so much pain and anger and bitterness (yes, bitterness)... there is clarity. It doesn't mean that we aren't jaded... it doesn't mean that we aren't guarded or cynical... (I hope one day that all wears away too)... but what it does mean is that NOW I can see clearly. Would I want to do it all over again? Absolutely not. However, through a devotional this week I realized that the horrible things that happen in our lives during terrible dark seasons... those things aren't just done TO us or FOR us... those instances in life when we feel like we can't breathe anymore... and then we do... those instances are for us to live through and share. The bad is made good- ashes are turned to beauty- and we get to survive and share. I told Chris last night, I want to write a book. I'm not sure what direction I want to take. I don't know when I'll start or when I'll finish. I don't know if I'll write it and tuck it away or if I will publish it. I don't know. What I do know is that in my medial 32 plus years of life... I've experienced a lot of it. And even though God has given me clarity--- maybe it wasn't all just for me. I can't promise that I'll ever be an eloquent writer- all I can promise is that I'll be real. Honesty is not for the weak...
I'll finish with this- we went to a show last night for a band called Gungor. They were phenomenal. Eclectic, anointed lyrics, music, and ability was what they displayed. As we drove home last night I told Chris, there was so much honesty in the music/lyrics that we had just heard. This man and his wife (who write all their own music) had lived life- I don't know the details of their circumstances- but he poured out his life and his pain and his happiness and his frustration in his music. To be honest, they are out of the box and a lot of people won't 'get it' when they hear Gungor's message. But, that music last night spoke to me a further element of clarity than a simple conversation could. Out of their beautiful message of song- it further confirmed this message that God has been delivering me all week: He makes all things beautiful.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Reality.
Its been a long week. I think the reality of being here without Chris- being a mom to four- and being a full time student has set in and is A LOT to juggle. Somehow, we manage to get everyone to school, practices, and bed on time... most days.
For me, classes are going well. I have such a greater appreciation for education as an adult student than I did at the age of 17/18/19. Its a little frustrating for me as a parent to see the lack of effort that some of my classmates show up with- but... I suppose that may be part of growing up and "getting it." It makes me want to really instill in our kids the value of giving 100% effort in all that we do. I'm doing my best... I spend hours every day preparing for class and investing in my education. I want to get all I can out of the time away. But, I have to admit that I've had multiple moments this week were I've questioned my motivation and intent with going back to school. It's hard. It's hard to juggle the demands I have in any one realm of life- whether that is being a wife, a mother, a friend, or a student. I wonder often, should I just be done? Should I just be content with what I know and where I've come from? The truth is: most days... I struggle with the right answer. Don't get me wrong... I WANT to be in school. However, logistically, this may be the hardest thing I've done to date. Bottom line: my family comes first. I am not willing to sacrifice my husband or my children for anything. And sometimes, as I've learned, being educated doesn't mean sitting in a classroom and getting grades... its the continual commitment to learning. We'll see how this goes. At this point, we're taking it one semester at a time. My goal: a 4.0 this semester. We'll see how that goes.
We've had some sickness in the house the past few weeks. Julia and I have seemed to be the ones who are most significantly affected. Julia ended up with pneumonia, which was awful. She missed an entire week of school. She seemed to be feeling better and back to herself, but over the weekend, I fear she may have relapsed a bit. Personally, I started with a sinus infection, that I was on antibiotic for. It resolved and I felt fine. However, on Friday- I felt like I got hit by a truck and I spent Friday evening and most of Saturday in bed. Its a definite upper respiratory infection- and I'm TRYING to rest and get better... I'm sure sitting at the Ravens/Titans game today for 7 hours didn't help me any... and tonight... my chest hurts and I can't breathe. I may have to hunt down a family doctor asap. With my immune system being so compromised... my body doesn't adjust well or quickly to fighting off colds or viruses. I need to get well.
My love came home on Friday night. He surprised me by arriving in about 5 hours before we expected him. I was thrilled to see him. He is truly my helper and I miss him every second that he isn't here. Tomorrow he has two interviews... so, we are officially in the final leg of transitioning down here. We'll have one more extended stay with him in Maryland (for about 10 days) and then it should be shorter stays until the end of October. 6 weeks to go and I'll have my husband back permanently. It can't happen soon enough.
Alrighty, I need to get back to reading for a little while longer before I crash. I need to start getting to bed earlier... yeah, probably not going to happen.
For me, classes are going well. I have such a greater appreciation for education as an adult student than I did at the age of 17/18/19. Its a little frustrating for me as a parent to see the lack of effort that some of my classmates show up with- but... I suppose that may be part of growing up and "getting it." It makes me want to really instill in our kids the value of giving 100% effort in all that we do. I'm doing my best... I spend hours every day preparing for class and investing in my education. I want to get all I can out of the time away. But, I have to admit that I've had multiple moments this week were I've questioned my motivation and intent with going back to school. It's hard. It's hard to juggle the demands I have in any one realm of life- whether that is being a wife, a mother, a friend, or a student. I wonder often, should I just be done? Should I just be content with what I know and where I've come from? The truth is: most days... I struggle with the right answer. Don't get me wrong... I WANT to be in school. However, logistically, this may be the hardest thing I've done to date. Bottom line: my family comes first. I am not willing to sacrifice my husband or my children for anything. And sometimes, as I've learned, being educated doesn't mean sitting in a classroom and getting grades... its the continual commitment to learning. We'll see how this goes. At this point, we're taking it one semester at a time. My goal: a 4.0 this semester. We'll see how that goes.
We've had some sickness in the house the past few weeks. Julia and I have seemed to be the ones who are most significantly affected. Julia ended up with pneumonia, which was awful. She missed an entire week of school. She seemed to be feeling better and back to herself, but over the weekend, I fear she may have relapsed a bit. Personally, I started with a sinus infection, that I was on antibiotic for. It resolved and I felt fine. However, on Friday- I felt like I got hit by a truck and I spent Friday evening and most of Saturday in bed. Its a definite upper respiratory infection- and I'm TRYING to rest and get better... I'm sure sitting at the Ravens/Titans game today for 7 hours didn't help me any... and tonight... my chest hurts and I can't breathe. I may have to hunt down a family doctor asap. With my immune system being so compromised... my body doesn't adjust well or quickly to fighting off colds or viruses. I need to get well.
My love came home on Friday night. He surprised me by arriving in about 5 hours before we expected him. I was thrilled to see him. He is truly my helper and I miss him every second that he isn't here. Tomorrow he has two interviews... so, we are officially in the final leg of transitioning down here. We'll have one more extended stay with him in Maryland (for about 10 days) and then it should be shorter stays until the end of October. 6 weeks to go and I'll have my husband back permanently. It can't happen soon enough.
Alrighty, I need to get back to reading for a little while longer before I crash. I need to start getting to bed earlier... yeah, probably not going to happen.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Life is a highway
Sorry I took a small break from blogging... but I'm back on the wagon.
About every 28 days I find myself in this super emotional and often reflective position in life... I know, I know... its provoked by hormones, or is it? I've found myself thinking a lot lately about how fast life is passing. Just tonight, as I sifted through Nick's cell phone text conversations, it just further confirmed to me that every day that passes is one day closer to my children walking out of the door into lives of their own. I can say that I THOROUGHLY enjoy the ages of all of the kids right now. I love Nick being in middle school. I love the competitive sports, I love that he is being challenged academically, I love that he is more independent, and I love that he is growing into a man. But on the same token, it scares the crap out of me. Chris teases me often and says that I don't want him to grow up because I don't want a little southern girl coming after him the way I did with Chris. It's true. But, I know that the healthy part of life is that our children grow and mature and become men and women who we are proud not only to have raised... but to know. Each one of my girls is different and special in their own right. I look at them all and I am stunned by their beauty. I'm not quite sure how they all turned out so lovely, but I am thankful that their beauty is not just external but also internal. I am honored that God chose me to be their mother and with that honor I want to be faithful in teaching them truth and respect and dignity. Nick, Julia, Emma, and Sophia all have a different road in front of them... and I have NO idea what that looks like... but I do know that I want to be certain that the road their walking is on a firm foundation rooted in the truth of God's love and grace and that Chris and I are faithful in pointing them to Jesus.
Its so easy to get caught up in the hustle bustle of day to day life and not take a minute to appreciate the time we get to share with our family throughout that day to day life. I don't want to look back on my life and say : I ran my kids to practices, and school, and events with friends... but I lost track of who they were. These years are formative. The people who they will become is being determined in this day to day hustle bustle craziness. My challenge: to love my kids as much as I can every day because I don't want to have regrets. I'm human- and I'm learning as I go- like most people do- but not only do I want to know who my kids are- I want my kids to know who I am. I want them to know that I love them more than the breath that I breathe. I want them to know that I will fight for them. I want them to know that no matter what happens in life... I am ALWAYS going to love them. And I want them to know that I'm a mess but Jesus (and their daddy) chose to love me anyway.
For a lot of reasons, I wasn't sure that I'd ever be in the position that I am today: happy and content. But GRACE is the only reason that I am able to even have the opportunity to say that I AM happy and content. I've wasted enough of my life on unimportant junk... I am thrilled to spend the duration of my life loving my husband and our children.
About every 28 days I find myself in this super emotional and often reflective position in life... I know, I know... its provoked by hormones, or is it? I've found myself thinking a lot lately about how fast life is passing. Just tonight, as I sifted through Nick's cell phone text conversations, it just further confirmed to me that every day that passes is one day closer to my children walking out of the door into lives of their own. I can say that I THOROUGHLY enjoy the ages of all of the kids right now. I love Nick being in middle school. I love the competitive sports, I love that he is being challenged academically, I love that he is more independent, and I love that he is growing into a man. But on the same token, it scares the crap out of me. Chris teases me often and says that I don't want him to grow up because I don't want a little southern girl coming after him the way I did with Chris. It's true. But, I know that the healthy part of life is that our children grow and mature and become men and women who we are proud not only to have raised... but to know. Each one of my girls is different and special in their own right. I look at them all and I am stunned by their beauty. I'm not quite sure how they all turned out so lovely, but I am thankful that their beauty is not just external but also internal. I am honored that God chose me to be their mother and with that honor I want to be faithful in teaching them truth and respect and dignity. Nick, Julia, Emma, and Sophia all have a different road in front of them... and I have NO idea what that looks like... but I do know that I want to be certain that the road their walking is on a firm foundation rooted in the truth of God's love and grace and that Chris and I are faithful in pointing them to Jesus.
Its so easy to get caught up in the hustle bustle of day to day life and not take a minute to appreciate the time we get to share with our family throughout that day to day life. I don't want to look back on my life and say : I ran my kids to practices, and school, and events with friends... but I lost track of who they were. These years are formative. The people who they will become is being determined in this day to day hustle bustle craziness. My challenge: to love my kids as much as I can every day because I don't want to have regrets. I'm human- and I'm learning as I go- like most people do- but not only do I want to know who my kids are- I want my kids to know who I am. I want them to know that I love them more than the breath that I breathe. I want them to know that I will fight for them. I want them to know that no matter what happens in life... I am ALWAYS going to love them. And I want them to know that I'm a mess but Jesus (and their daddy) chose to love me anyway.
For a lot of reasons, I wasn't sure that I'd ever be in the position that I am today: happy and content. But GRACE is the only reason that I am able to even have the opportunity to say that I AM happy and content. I've wasted enough of my life on unimportant junk... I am thrilled to spend the duration of my life loving my husband and our children.
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