Anyone outside of the Nashville area will have NO idea what a Williamson County life looks like. Those of you who don't understand... you may think, how much can a county affect your family or who you are... or better... who you are expected to be? Well, let me fill you in:
In 2011, Williamson county was ranked #17 of the top 25 wealthiest counties in the United States. Among those other counties ranked in the top 25 are those around the DC area and in other densely populated areas in the North East of the country. Now, income/wealth are only one aspect of the Williamson county life that I referring to- but it is a component. I've observed this county as an outsider and now (2 months in) as a resident and I can say I'm learning a lot. There are areas of the county that are seen as "nicer" or more "rural" than others. There are areas of the county where the schools are considered superior or inferior to others. There are areas of the county were the towns are referred to as more "friendly" than others. Thankfully, what we've found in this community that we so carefully chose to live is friendly, real neighbors; teachers who are committed to working with our kids to their fullest potential; and a focus on family and not on possession. I've considered over the past few months what it must feel like to live in other areas of this county- the pressure to fit in, the expectation of measuring up, and the need to constantly appear proper to everyone. I can say- if I've learned anything over the past few years of my life- its that I DO NOT measure up... I'm a mess. For a long time, I tried to ignore it, and then I tried to conceal it, and I've finally just accepted it. It doesn't mean that I'm not driven to be better- or be what I am intended to be... but what it does mean is that I won't bury myself in the guilt or shame or frustration of not being what other people think I should be... I will never live my life like that again. What you see is what you get with me... So, I've found it interesting that in our choosing this VERY suburban community to assimilate into, that we chose (without a whole ton of research) a community that seems to suit our life as a family to an almost exact proximity. Sure, the houses are a little closer than we are used to, and the yard is a little smaller than what we came from, and its a tad bit warmer than we have grown accustomed to... but, I have to say: I do love it here. I don't want to be just another "Williamson County Family." I want to raise my children in a community that we are invested in with people that we love and trust and I want my kids to know that your zip code doesn't matter any more than your job title does...
I light of the "Williamson county" life that I am adjusting to--- I've spent the past week considering where we've come from... and I don't mean geography. I've mentioned that the past three or so years have been insanely difficult- and they have. There were many many days that I wished I could wake up from the nightmare I was trapped in. We felt our lives collapsing from every angle and the foundation that we thought was so firm suddenly became very shaky. There were people in our life that encouraged us on our road, reassuring us of how much God really loved us. They were confident that in the end, we'd see that love in the clarity that HE would reveal to us in His own time. This week... just this week, that happened. Somehow out of so much pain and anger and bitterness (yes, bitterness)... there is clarity. It doesn't mean that we aren't jaded... it doesn't mean that we aren't guarded or cynical... (I hope one day that all wears away too)... but what it does mean is that NOW I can see clearly. Would I want to do it all over again? Absolutely not. However, through a devotional this week I realized that the horrible things that happen in our lives during terrible dark seasons... those things aren't just done TO us or FOR us... those instances in life when we feel like we can't breathe anymore... and then we do... those instances are for us to live through and share. The bad is made good- ashes are turned to beauty- and we get to survive and share. I told Chris last night, I want to write a book. I'm not sure what direction I want to take. I don't know when I'll start or when I'll finish. I don't know if I'll write it and tuck it away or if I will publish it. I don't know. What I do know is that in my medial 32 plus years of life... I've experienced a lot of it. And even though God has given me clarity--- maybe it wasn't all just for me. I can't promise that I'll ever be an eloquent writer- all I can promise is that I'll be real. Honesty is not for the weak...
I'll finish with this- we went to a show last night for a band called Gungor. They were phenomenal. Eclectic, anointed lyrics, music, and ability was what they displayed. As we drove home last night I told Chris, there was so much honesty in the music/lyrics that we had just heard. This man and his wife (who write all their own music) had lived life- I don't know the details of their circumstances- but he poured out his life and his pain and his happiness and his frustration in his music. To be honest, they are out of the box and a lot of people won't 'get it' when they hear Gungor's message. But, that music last night spoke to me a further element of clarity than a simple conversation could. Out of their beautiful message of song- it further confirmed this message that God has been delivering me all week: He makes all things beautiful.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Reality.
Its been a long week. I think the reality of being here without Chris- being a mom to four- and being a full time student has set in and is A LOT to juggle. Somehow, we manage to get everyone to school, practices, and bed on time... most days.
For me, classes are going well. I have such a greater appreciation for education as an adult student than I did at the age of 17/18/19. Its a little frustrating for me as a parent to see the lack of effort that some of my classmates show up with- but... I suppose that may be part of growing up and "getting it." It makes me want to really instill in our kids the value of giving 100% effort in all that we do. I'm doing my best... I spend hours every day preparing for class and investing in my education. I want to get all I can out of the time away. But, I have to admit that I've had multiple moments this week were I've questioned my motivation and intent with going back to school. It's hard. It's hard to juggle the demands I have in any one realm of life- whether that is being a wife, a mother, a friend, or a student. I wonder often, should I just be done? Should I just be content with what I know and where I've come from? The truth is: most days... I struggle with the right answer. Don't get me wrong... I WANT to be in school. However, logistically, this may be the hardest thing I've done to date. Bottom line: my family comes first. I am not willing to sacrifice my husband or my children for anything. And sometimes, as I've learned, being educated doesn't mean sitting in a classroom and getting grades... its the continual commitment to learning. We'll see how this goes. At this point, we're taking it one semester at a time. My goal: a 4.0 this semester. We'll see how that goes.
We've had some sickness in the house the past few weeks. Julia and I have seemed to be the ones who are most significantly affected. Julia ended up with pneumonia, which was awful. She missed an entire week of school. She seemed to be feeling better and back to herself, but over the weekend, I fear she may have relapsed a bit. Personally, I started with a sinus infection, that I was on antibiotic for. It resolved and I felt fine. However, on Friday- I felt like I got hit by a truck and I spent Friday evening and most of Saturday in bed. Its a definite upper respiratory infection- and I'm TRYING to rest and get better... I'm sure sitting at the Ravens/Titans game today for 7 hours didn't help me any... and tonight... my chest hurts and I can't breathe. I may have to hunt down a family doctor asap. With my immune system being so compromised... my body doesn't adjust well or quickly to fighting off colds or viruses. I need to get well.
My love came home on Friday night. He surprised me by arriving in about 5 hours before we expected him. I was thrilled to see him. He is truly my helper and I miss him every second that he isn't here. Tomorrow he has two interviews... so, we are officially in the final leg of transitioning down here. We'll have one more extended stay with him in Maryland (for about 10 days) and then it should be shorter stays until the end of October. 6 weeks to go and I'll have my husband back permanently. It can't happen soon enough.
Alrighty, I need to get back to reading for a little while longer before I crash. I need to start getting to bed earlier... yeah, probably not going to happen.
For me, classes are going well. I have such a greater appreciation for education as an adult student than I did at the age of 17/18/19. Its a little frustrating for me as a parent to see the lack of effort that some of my classmates show up with- but... I suppose that may be part of growing up and "getting it." It makes me want to really instill in our kids the value of giving 100% effort in all that we do. I'm doing my best... I spend hours every day preparing for class and investing in my education. I want to get all I can out of the time away. But, I have to admit that I've had multiple moments this week were I've questioned my motivation and intent with going back to school. It's hard. It's hard to juggle the demands I have in any one realm of life- whether that is being a wife, a mother, a friend, or a student. I wonder often, should I just be done? Should I just be content with what I know and where I've come from? The truth is: most days... I struggle with the right answer. Don't get me wrong... I WANT to be in school. However, logistically, this may be the hardest thing I've done to date. Bottom line: my family comes first. I am not willing to sacrifice my husband or my children for anything. And sometimes, as I've learned, being educated doesn't mean sitting in a classroom and getting grades... its the continual commitment to learning. We'll see how this goes. At this point, we're taking it one semester at a time. My goal: a 4.0 this semester. We'll see how that goes.
We've had some sickness in the house the past few weeks. Julia and I have seemed to be the ones who are most significantly affected. Julia ended up with pneumonia, which was awful. She missed an entire week of school. She seemed to be feeling better and back to herself, but over the weekend, I fear she may have relapsed a bit. Personally, I started with a sinus infection, that I was on antibiotic for. It resolved and I felt fine. However, on Friday- I felt like I got hit by a truck and I spent Friday evening and most of Saturday in bed. Its a definite upper respiratory infection- and I'm TRYING to rest and get better... I'm sure sitting at the Ravens/Titans game today for 7 hours didn't help me any... and tonight... my chest hurts and I can't breathe. I may have to hunt down a family doctor asap. With my immune system being so compromised... my body doesn't adjust well or quickly to fighting off colds or viruses. I need to get well.
My love came home on Friday night. He surprised me by arriving in about 5 hours before we expected him. I was thrilled to see him. He is truly my helper and I miss him every second that he isn't here. Tomorrow he has two interviews... so, we are officially in the final leg of transitioning down here. We'll have one more extended stay with him in Maryland (for about 10 days) and then it should be shorter stays until the end of October. 6 weeks to go and I'll have my husband back permanently. It can't happen soon enough.
Alrighty, I need to get back to reading for a little while longer before I crash. I need to start getting to bed earlier... yeah, probably not going to happen.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Life is a highway
Sorry I took a small break from blogging... but I'm back on the wagon.
About every 28 days I find myself in this super emotional and often reflective position in life... I know, I know... its provoked by hormones, or is it? I've found myself thinking a lot lately about how fast life is passing. Just tonight, as I sifted through Nick's cell phone text conversations, it just further confirmed to me that every day that passes is one day closer to my children walking out of the door into lives of their own. I can say that I THOROUGHLY enjoy the ages of all of the kids right now. I love Nick being in middle school. I love the competitive sports, I love that he is being challenged academically, I love that he is more independent, and I love that he is growing into a man. But on the same token, it scares the crap out of me. Chris teases me often and says that I don't want him to grow up because I don't want a little southern girl coming after him the way I did with Chris. It's true. But, I know that the healthy part of life is that our children grow and mature and become men and women who we are proud not only to have raised... but to know. Each one of my girls is different and special in their own right. I look at them all and I am stunned by their beauty. I'm not quite sure how they all turned out so lovely, but I am thankful that their beauty is not just external but also internal. I am honored that God chose me to be their mother and with that honor I want to be faithful in teaching them truth and respect and dignity. Nick, Julia, Emma, and Sophia all have a different road in front of them... and I have NO idea what that looks like... but I do know that I want to be certain that the road their walking is on a firm foundation rooted in the truth of God's love and grace and that Chris and I are faithful in pointing them to Jesus.
Its so easy to get caught up in the hustle bustle of day to day life and not take a minute to appreciate the time we get to share with our family throughout that day to day life. I don't want to look back on my life and say : I ran my kids to practices, and school, and events with friends... but I lost track of who they were. These years are formative. The people who they will become is being determined in this day to day hustle bustle craziness. My challenge: to love my kids as much as I can every day because I don't want to have regrets. I'm human- and I'm learning as I go- like most people do- but not only do I want to know who my kids are- I want my kids to know who I am. I want them to know that I love them more than the breath that I breathe. I want them to know that I will fight for them. I want them to know that no matter what happens in life... I am ALWAYS going to love them. And I want them to know that I'm a mess but Jesus (and their daddy) chose to love me anyway.
For a lot of reasons, I wasn't sure that I'd ever be in the position that I am today: happy and content. But GRACE is the only reason that I am able to even have the opportunity to say that I AM happy and content. I've wasted enough of my life on unimportant junk... I am thrilled to spend the duration of my life loving my husband and our children.
About every 28 days I find myself in this super emotional and often reflective position in life... I know, I know... its provoked by hormones, or is it? I've found myself thinking a lot lately about how fast life is passing. Just tonight, as I sifted through Nick's cell phone text conversations, it just further confirmed to me that every day that passes is one day closer to my children walking out of the door into lives of their own. I can say that I THOROUGHLY enjoy the ages of all of the kids right now. I love Nick being in middle school. I love the competitive sports, I love that he is being challenged academically, I love that he is more independent, and I love that he is growing into a man. But on the same token, it scares the crap out of me. Chris teases me often and says that I don't want him to grow up because I don't want a little southern girl coming after him the way I did with Chris. It's true. But, I know that the healthy part of life is that our children grow and mature and become men and women who we are proud not only to have raised... but to know. Each one of my girls is different and special in their own right. I look at them all and I am stunned by their beauty. I'm not quite sure how they all turned out so lovely, but I am thankful that their beauty is not just external but also internal. I am honored that God chose me to be their mother and with that honor I want to be faithful in teaching them truth and respect and dignity. Nick, Julia, Emma, and Sophia all have a different road in front of them... and I have NO idea what that looks like... but I do know that I want to be certain that the road their walking is on a firm foundation rooted in the truth of God's love and grace and that Chris and I are faithful in pointing them to Jesus.
Its so easy to get caught up in the hustle bustle of day to day life and not take a minute to appreciate the time we get to share with our family throughout that day to day life. I don't want to look back on my life and say : I ran my kids to practices, and school, and events with friends... but I lost track of who they were. These years are formative. The people who they will become is being determined in this day to day hustle bustle craziness. My challenge: to love my kids as much as I can every day because I don't want to have regrets. I'm human- and I'm learning as I go- like most people do- but not only do I want to know who my kids are- I want my kids to know who I am. I want them to know that I love them more than the breath that I breathe. I want them to know that I will fight for them. I want them to know that no matter what happens in life... I am ALWAYS going to love them. And I want them to know that I'm a mess but Jesus (and their daddy) chose to love me anyway.
For a lot of reasons, I wasn't sure that I'd ever be in the position that I am today: happy and content. But GRACE is the only reason that I am able to even have the opportunity to say that I AM happy and content. I've wasted enough of my life on unimportant junk... I am thrilled to spend the duration of my life loving my husband and our children.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)