Halloween... spiritual depravity?

So, I've contemplated blogging on this very touchy Christian/pagan subject and had decided against it.  However, the more I've thought about it... the more I think there are some things that I need to say when it comes to Halloween.

I'll start with saying: in my life as a child/teen- I only remember trick or treating one year.  That year, I don't know what made my folks decide it was ok- but my grandparents had celebrated their anniversary in hawaii that year and had purchased and sent full hula costumes for us girls- complete with grass skirts.  I vaguely remember us going to a few friends of my parent's houses... not a neighborhood thing... no major big deal.  Honestly, I never felt like I was deprived by not participating.  I really didn't care.  As we got older and were in public schools- it was a little more difficult to explain to peers that we didn't dress up and trick or treat... but, as soon as November 1st hit... life was all about Christmas anyway.

As adults, Chris and I have made the 'stand' to not participate with Halloween with our children.  We never purchased candy and distributed... we never bought costumes.... we never really felt much need to address it with the kids with the exception of : we don't do it.  However, for the first time in our married life of almost 14 years, we seemed to come to the same place on this subject... at the same time, this Halloween.

We recently moved to a new neighborhood- new town- new state... as you can imagine, when you pick up your family from a place that you've made home for the last 11 years- the adjustment can take a little while.  We've enjoyed getting to know our neighbors and we love our neighborhood... and we noticed fairly quickly of the talk about Halloween in the neighborhood.  It's a big deal here.  Chris and I talked about it and surprisingly enough- the things in the past that had tripped us up on Halloween seemed trivial and divisive.  We know the history- we are informed- we know the darkness of the roots of this tradition.  We know November 1st is All Saint's Day- we know. Pagan.- Its a word that Christian's throw around but the connotation associated with it... seems to upset the actual definition.  So, I thought I'd highlight the definition of pagan - here goes:  1. a member of a group professing a polytheistic religion or any religion other than Christianity, Judaism, or Islam
2. a person without any religion; heathen ;    


As I go further into this: I think you should also know- I don't enjoy Halloween.  I don't like scary.  I don't like creepy.  I don't do bloody or evil.  But... I do LOVE people... and I want to be known as someone who loves my neighbor as myself.  I think its also important to note that we've been part of multiple churches and bodies of believers who have made public opinions/standings on Halloween and why Christians should not participate period.  I can say- in those same groups of believers and Christians- I've seen flat out sin and lack of love for fellow believers to the extreme of divisive relationships and separation of groups with little in the way of mercy or forgiveness let alone grace and patience.  I can tell you- all I hear is clanging cymbals.  So, for many of the reasons I am expressing and for some reasons that I don't feel the need to go into... for the love of our neighbors, for the adherence to the new culture we are assimilating to, and for the grace and divine discernment that ONLY God can sometimes give you... or me... we participated/bought costumes/walked around with our neighbors and enjoyed our first Halloween as a Christian family.  I can tell you... it doesn't matter to me what people think about how I raise my children or about the decisions that we choose to make regarding our family.  I think that we've realized through all of the clarity of "understanding" the truth and for throwing that at other believers when they didn't have the 'spiritual maturity' that we did in participating in functions or activities... we lost ourselves in pride and judgmentalness. I don't ever want to look down on my Christian brothers and sisters and pretend that I know or understand more than they do... or that I 'get it' when maybe they don't... yet.  Instead, I want to love others and I want my children to love others- for their differences and their similarities.  I think for me... what Halloween boils down to: when you think you've got it all figured out... hold tight... the ground might just start shifting on you.  God is good!(even on Halloween). :-)

Late in the week- Update...

I have had multiple emails, texts, calls, etc concerning the goings on of my health currently.  So, I thought I would quickly just give a mid/late week update with what I found out yesterday:

On both Monday and Tuesday I went to the doctor.  Monday was to an emergent care type of place.  The doctor there confirmed by swollen lymph nodes and started me on a course of prednisone.  His suggestion was to get into a permanent family doctor ASAP for continued treatment and maintenance.  THANKFULLY, I was successful in finding a family doctor who is only about 10 minutes down the road and to whom I was excessively impressed with.     On Tuesday afternoon, I met with my new family doctor who began a battery of labs on me.  I got a call yesterday afternoon with my results.  Here's how it breaks down:

1. Vitamin D is a 24.  The bottom normal of vitamin D starts at 32... so, its way off.  This has been a continued problem for the past year in conjunction with the beginning SLE (Systematic Lupus Erythematosus) diagnosis.  Evidently, those two things are very closely linked.  As a result, he has started me on a high dose of vitamin D which I will continue for 3 months before having labs rechecked.

2.  Last fall, also in conjunction with the SLE, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism (under active thyroid).  I was informed this is also a common problem with lupus.  Last year my dosing started at .25 and then increased to .5 but as of yesterday, due to the low levels, my dosage has doubled and I'm now on 1.0 of synthroid to help with this problem.

3.  My WBC (white blood count), lymphocytes, and neutrophils were all 'very' elevated, which the doctor said is indicative of an acute bacterial infection.   Interestingly enough,  while at both doctors this week, they did the routine checking of my ears, nose, throat, and lungs and both doctors said everything was clear with no infection.  Obviously, somewhere in my body... infection is plaguing me... so- I have been started on an antibiotic which will hopefully knock whatever it is causing the problem OUT fast.

With all of the above- the good news was that my kidney and liver functions were good- though bordering the low end of normal.  The rest of my electrolytes looked fine and so did my red blood count and platelets. So... the course of treatment is all I mentioned above, as well as continuing on the prednisone.  And the doctors office is making the referral appointment to Vanderbilt hospital for a rheumatologist there.   We are hoping to get an appointment prior to Thanksgiving to kind of keep the flare from getting worse and to keep everything under some type of 'control.'

Currently, I can just say that I am frustrated and extremely fatigued.  The most aggravating symptoms I'm dealing with are the flushed/red facial 'rash', on again off again temperature, and fatigue.  My Raynaud's (blue fingers) is acting up almost daily... but, I don't necessarily mind that so much.  So, that's it in a nutshell.  I'm making adjustments to daily life to alleviate some stress and increased pressure and hopefully that will help.  If you think of me, whisper a prayer... I can use it!

Voila! Prednisone!

So, I've mentioned that I've been feeling a little defeated in the health arena lately.  I have boughts of fatigue which can happen to any busy mom but mine seems to last for extended periods of time paired with blue fingers (Raynaud's Phenomenon) and a variety of other pleasant health dysfunctions.  Last week, I came down with a nasty upper respiratory infection of some sort- although it felt very "flu-like."  After a week of riding my bed and sofa, I finally started to feel a tad bit better on Saturday morning and yesterday I felt a little more like myself.  Imagine my surprise last night when I accidentally discovered that my lymph nodes on the right side of my neck were severely swollen.  The swelling was so significant that it truly freaked me out.  So, this morning, bright and early at 7:15 am, I made an appointment with what will be my new family doctor here in town... but as a new patient, they can't get me in until next week.  Their suggestion, due to the acute swelling, see an urgent care doctor today to start treatment.   So, I did.  I briefly went through my recent history and expressed my concern with the swelling in my lymph nodes.  He examined me and was equally impressed with the size of my glands on the right side.  His exact words were: " with as large as your lymph nodes are currently, I would expect to find a raging infection in your ear, throat, and/ or lungs.  But you don't have any of those.  This is a definite auto immune reaction."  FANTASTIC.  He went on to inform me that if I were symptomatic (complaining of sore throat, difficulty swallowing, and/or high temp) that he would've sent me on for a CAT scan... but instead, he believes that I need to start a round of steroids immediately to get this inflammation under control.  FAN-BLOODY-TASTIC!  His next piece of advice... STOP.  He told me that I have to slow down, that if I don't, I'll end up very ill very fast.  So, here we are again, almost a year later... a doctor in another state telling me that I have begun a 'flare' and has begun me on steroids for at least the next 16 days.  In the meantime, I have to declutter my life and allow my body time to rest and hopefully recover.  I also have to find a  rheumatalogist ASAP to try and help with maintenance on this lovely condition.  In the meantime, I am very frustrated with this whole ordeal.

Chris is headed back to Maryland tomorrow for the last time of this transition.  He will be there for about a week... although the time line hasn't really been clearly laid out for me as far as what his plans are.  I'm so over this separation and traveling/distance.  So glad that its almost over.  Currently, he is still looking for a job- but his current employer has asked for him to stay on until November 18th-- which is great- that gives us another month of insurance and gives him more time to land a job here in Nashville.  He has several leads but the process is going way slower than we had initially anticipated.  We're hoping that we won't be dealing with a lapse of employment at all... of course.

Alright, girls are home from school... mommyhood calls.

82 days until Christmas

The holidays are coming... I know, I know... summer has just officially turned to fall... and I'm talking about the holidays.  I sat down last night and filled in my planner with all the things that go into a planner: practices, games, due dates for assignments, birthdays, anniversary's, and HOLIDAY VACATIONS!  I have to say, I think the reason I'm so looking forward to the holidays is because I want to REST.  I want to sleep in past 7 am and go to bed late after watching a great movie with the family.  I want to make cookies and pumpkin bread and decorate our tree and house.  I want to methodically plan out gifts for those that I love.  But... again... I want to rest.  FYI: 82 days until Christmas!

so, if you follow my facebook: you will know that by some freak of nature, Nick broke his right hand/wrist on Wednesday of last week during football practice and his left arm/radial head on Saturday night here in the neighborhood.  Chris is in Maryland for another four days- and has been there since last Tuesday night... so, its been a blast around here.  I sat in the dr's office for 90 minutes on Saturday morning for her to tell me what I knew: put him in a brace and wait until we see the ortho on Monday.  Then, later that night while playing/running with a friend, Nick tripped on a large rock and crashed to the pavement.  He came in whimpering and it was fairly obvious that he had broken his arm.  I then spent late Saturday night and early Sunday morning in the ER with Nick.  The ER doc said she "knew" it was a radial head fracture but couldn't visualize it on the xray.  She splinted him good and told me to get into the ortho early on Monday.  So, I kept Nick home from school today since I had class and I wasn't sure when his appointment was going to be.  They got him in around 1pm this afternoon- and took some xrays.  Low and behold: that radial head fracture was VERY obvious- and the suspected stress fracture on his right hand was confirmed.  The recovery times on both of those injuries?  6-8 weeks on the arm/elbow/radial head and 8-12 weeks on the stress fracture due to the awful location of it.  Just fantastic.  So, I spent this afternoon at Nick's school talking with the administrators and his homeroom teacher to make sure there would be accommodations made for him.  Considering he is unable to write, carry his book bag, carry a tray, do any physical activity-- I thought we should have some type of plan for him.  Later on, on my way back from dance with Emma, I stopped by the school again and discussed Nick's injuries with the football coach.  The good news is: this was the last week of the season- so, he only missed a few practices and two games.   The bad news is: he broke both arms/wrists/hands!

We are officially into the final month of Chris' transition from his current position, THANK GOD!!!  He'll be home on Friday night and should be here for a few weeks before returning to Maryland for one final stay as they finish up and close up his office.  I am so ready for him to be here permanently.  In the meantime, he has met with multiple recruiters and he has had one promising interview and a phone interview with another company who he'll be meeting with again a week from today.  Both of the companies he's interviewed with so far are great opportunities for him.  We are really hoping that he'll be able to secure a position in the next few weeks prior to his completion at Flex.  But, we'll see how that goes.  Right now: we are in crunch time and we're getting a little nervous.

Temps have been mild and somewhat cool for this area of the country this early in the season.  I love it!  However, my hands have already started turning blue again.  I'm learning to take signs from my body and I can definitely tell when I'm overdoing it.  I've had a few boughts of achiness and soreness along with fatigue-- so I'm really trying to watch it.  I haven't sought out a family dr or vascular or rheumatologist here... but, I may need to work on that.  I do have steroids on hand, if I need them... but I'm hoping to avoid that for as long as possible.  I'm certain that the first thing I need to be doing is getting more rest.  Of course, that's a bit of an issue as I play the role of single parent.  For now, I'm pressing through and trying not to overdo it.  TRYING...

Good night moon.

All Things Beautiful...

Anyone outside of the Nashville area will have NO idea what a Williamson County life looks like.  Those of you who don't understand... you may think, how much can a county affect your family or who you are... or better... who you are expected to be?  Well, let me fill you in:

In 2011, Williamson county was ranked #17 of the top 25 wealthiest counties in the United States.  Among those other counties ranked in the top 25 are those around the DC area and in other densely populated areas in the North East of the country.  Now, income/wealth are only one aspect of the Williamson county life that I referring to- but it is a component.  I've observed this county as an outsider and now (2 months in) as a resident and I can say I'm learning a lot.  There are areas of the county that are seen as "nicer" or more "rural" than others.  There are areas of the county where the schools are considered superior or inferior to others.  There are areas of the county were the towns are referred to as more "friendly" than others.  Thankfully, what we've found in this community that we so carefully chose to live is friendly, real neighbors; teachers who are committed to working with our kids to their fullest potential; and a focus on family and not on possession.  I've considered over the past few months what it must feel like to live in other areas of this county- the pressure to fit in, the expectation of measuring up, and the need to constantly appear proper to everyone.  I can say- if I've learned anything over the past few years of my life- its that I DO NOT measure up... I'm a mess.  For a long time, I tried to ignore it, and then I tried to conceal it, and I've finally just accepted it.  It doesn't mean that I'm not driven to be better- or be what I am intended to be... but what it does mean is that I won't bury myself in the guilt or shame or frustration of not being what other people think I should be... I will never live my life like that again.  What you see is what you get with me... So, I've found it interesting that in our choosing this VERY suburban community to assimilate into, that we chose (without a whole ton of research) a community that seems to suit our life as a family to an almost exact proximity.  Sure, the houses are a little closer than we are used to, and the yard is a little smaller than what we came from, and its a tad bit warmer than we have grown accustomed to... but, I have to say: I do love it here.  I don't want to be just another "Williamson County Family."  I want to raise my children in a community that we are invested in with people that we love and trust and I want my kids to know that your zip code doesn't matter any more than your job title does...

I light of the "Williamson county" life that I am adjusting to--- I've spent the past week considering where we've come from... and I don't mean geography.  I've mentioned that the past three or so years have been insanely difficult- and they have.  There were many many days that I wished I could wake up from the nightmare I was trapped in.  We felt our lives collapsing from every angle and the foundation that we thought was so firm suddenly became very shaky.  There were people in our life that encouraged us on our road, reassuring us of how much God really loved us.  They were confident that in the end, we'd see that love in the clarity that HE would reveal to us in His own time.  This week... just this week, that happened.  Somehow out of so much pain and anger and bitterness (yes, bitterness)... there is clarity.  It doesn't mean that we aren't jaded... it doesn't mean that we aren't guarded or cynical... (I hope one day that all wears away too)... but what it does mean is that NOW I can see clearly.  Would I want to do it all over again?  Absolutely not.  However, through a devotional this week I realized that the horrible things that happen in our lives during terrible dark seasons... those things aren't just done TO us or FOR us... those instances in life when we feel like we can't breathe anymore... and then we do... those instances are for us to live through and share.  The bad is made good- ashes are turned to beauty- and we get to survive and share.  I told Chris last night, I want to write a book.  I'm not sure what direction I want to take.  I don't know when I'll start or when I'll finish.  I don't know if I'll write it and tuck it away or if I will publish it.  I don't know.  What I do know is that in my medial 32 plus years of life... I've experienced a lot of it.  And even though God has given me clarity--- maybe it wasn't all just for me.  I can't promise that I'll ever be an eloquent writer- all I can promise is that I'll be real.  Honesty is not for the weak...

I'll finish with this- we went to a show last night for a band called Gungor.  They were phenomenal.   Eclectic, anointed lyrics, music, and ability was what they displayed.  As we drove home last night I told Chris, there was so much honesty in the music/lyrics that we had just heard.  This man and his wife (who write all their own music) had lived life- I don't know the details of their circumstances- but he poured out his life and his pain and his happiness and his frustration in his music.  To be honest, they are out of the box and a lot of people won't 'get it' when they hear Gungor's message.  But, that music last night spoke to me a further element of clarity than a simple conversation could.  Out of their beautiful message of song- it further confirmed this message that God has been delivering me all week:  He makes all things beautiful.

Reality.

Its been a long week.  I think the reality of being here without Chris- being a mom to four- and being a full time student has set in and is A LOT to juggle.  Somehow, we manage to get everyone to school, practices, and bed on time... most days.  


For me, classes are going well.  I have such a greater appreciation for education as an adult student than I did at the age of 17/18/19.  Its a little frustrating for me as a parent to see the lack of effort that some of my classmates show up with- but... I suppose that may be part of growing up and "getting it."  It makes me want to really instill in our kids the value of giving 100% effort in all that we do.  I'm doing my best... I spend hours every day preparing for class and investing in my education.  I want to get all I can out of the time away.  But, I have to admit that I've had multiple moments this week were I've questioned my motivation and intent with going back to school.  It's hard.  It's hard to juggle the demands I have in any one realm of life- whether that is being a wife, a mother, a friend, or a student.  I wonder often, should I just be done?  Should I just be content with what I know and where I've come from?  The truth is:  most days... I struggle with the right answer.  Don't get me wrong... I WANT to be in school.  However, logistically, this may be the hardest thing I've done to date.  Bottom line:  my family comes first.  I am not willing to sacrifice my husband or my children for anything.  And sometimes, as I've learned, being educated doesn't mean sitting in a classroom and getting grades... its the continual commitment to learning.  We'll see how this goes.  At this point, we're taking it one semester at a time.  My goal:  a 4.0 this semester.  We'll see how that goes.


We've had some sickness in the house the past few weeks.  Julia and I have seemed to be the ones who are most significantly affected.  Julia ended up with pneumonia, which was awful.  She missed an entire week of school.  She seemed to be feeling better and back to herself, but over the weekend, I fear she may have relapsed a bit.  Personally, I started with a sinus infection, that I was on antibiotic for.  It resolved and I felt fine.  However, on Friday- I felt like I got hit by a truck and I spent Friday evening and most of Saturday in bed.  Its a definite upper respiratory infection- and I'm TRYING to rest and get better... I'm sure sitting at the Ravens/Titans game today for 7 hours didn't help me any... and tonight... my chest hurts and I can't breathe.  I may have to hunt down a family doctor asap.  With my immune system being so compromised... my body doesn't adjust well or quickly to fighting off colds or viruses.  I need to get well.


My love came home on Friday night.  He surprised me by arriving in about 5 hours before we expected him.  I was thrilled to see him.  He is truly my helper and I miss him every second that he isn't here.  Tomorrow he has two interviews... so, we are officially in the final leg of transitioning down here.  We'll have one more extended stay with him in Maryland (for about 10 days) and then it should be shorter stays until the end of October.  6 weeks to go and I'll have my husband back permanently.  It can't happen soon enough.


Alrighty, I need to get back to reading for a little while longer before I crash. I need to start getting to bed earlier... yeah, probably not going to happen.

Life is a highway

Sorry I took a small break from blogging... but I'm back on the wagon.


About every 28 days I find myself in this super emotional and often reflective position in life... I know, I know... its provoked by hormones, or is it?  I've found myself thinking a lot lately about how fast life is passing.  Just tonight, as I sifted through Nick's cell phone text conversations, it just further confirmed to me that every day that passes is one day closer to my children walking out of the door into lives of their own.  I can say that I THOROUGHLY enjoy the ages of all of the kids right now.  I love Nick being in middle school.  I love the competitive sports, I love that he is being challenged academically, I love that he is more independent, and I love that he is growing into a man.  But on the same token, it scares the crap out of me.  Chris teases me often and says that I don't want him to grow up because I don't want a little southern girl coming after him the way I did with Chris.  It's true.  But, I know that the healthy part of life is that our children grow and mature and become men and women who we are proud not only to have raised... but to know.  Each one of my girls is different and special in their own right.  I look at them all and I am stunned by their beauty. I'm not quite sure how they all turned out so lovely, but I am thankful that their beauty is not just external but also internal. I am honored that God chose me to be their mother and with that honor I want to be faithful in teaching them truth and respect and dignity.  Nick, Julia, Emma, and Sophia all have a different road in front of them... and I have NO idea what that looks like... but I do know that I want to be certain that the road their walking is on a firm foundation rooted in the truth of God's love and grace and that Chris and I are faithful in pointing them to Jesus.


Its so easy to get caught up in the hustle bustle of day to day life and not take a minute to appreciate the time we get to share with our family throughout that day to day life.  I don't want to look back on my life and say : I ran my kids to practices, and school, and events with friends... but I lost track of who they were.  These years are formative.  The people who they will become is being determined in this day to day hustle bustle craziness.  My challenge:  to love my kids as much as I can every day because I don't want to have regrets.  I'm human- and I'm learning as I go- like most people do- but not only do I want to know who my kids are- I want my kids to know who I am.  I want them to know that I love them more than the breath that I breathe.  I want them to know that I will fight for them.  I want them to know that no matter what happens in life... I am ALWAYS going to love them.  And I want them to know that I'm a mess but Jesus (and their daddy) chose to love me anyway.  


For a lot of reasons, I wasn't sure that I'd ever be in the position that I am today: happy and content.  But GRACE is the only reason that I am able to even have the opportunity to say that I AM happy and content.  I've wasted enough of my life on unimportant junk... I am thrilled to spend the duration of my life loving my husband and our children.  

faithfulness and confirmation...

When we made the decision to move back to Tennessee... we immediately started looking for the place that we would call our 'church home.' As we started researching, we found a church that seemed to be a great fit for us. The first Sunday we were here we took our family to Fellowship Bible. I'll admit that the church is a bit overwhelming coming in for the first time... an entire education building- two levels... then an enormous second building where the worship services take place. This church also has four services a week - one on Saturday night and three on Sunday morning with a total of over 3k in attendance. As we sat through the service the first time, we definitely felt the teaching was what we were looking for- expository style- verse by verse bible teaching. The worship was phenomenal- as you would expect being in Nashville- and the kids all enjoyed their classes. However, I left feeling very overwhelmed by the size of the church. How would this work? How do you ever get to know anyone? How can leadership minister to those in the body with SO many in the body? I've spent the last several weeks contemplating these questions. Now, I hadn't intended to go back to Fellowship until Chris was back here next week... but I just felt like I needed to go give it another shot... so, I did and God met me there this morning is a very real way. I cannot even begin to articulate how powerfully God moved in the service this morning. It wasn't quite so scary walking in this time, since I had somewhat of a feel for the flow of things... Worship started and was different from the last service, though I couldn't really put my finger on WHY it was different. This morning was also a time of sending out- as two new churches were being started and operating and the leaders who were going were prayed over. Encouraging to see a body that still believes in the Great Commission... Judea and Sumaria were only 20 minutes down the road- but God still called and sent. As the teacher for today got up and began to speak (there are three rotating teacher elders) the simpleness and sincerity of his message spoke to my heart. He wanted to express how powerfully God is working within the body there at Fellowship- and deliver a sort of "state of the church." But within his testimony of God's work on him and his heart- there was the presentation of God's work on the hearts of other believers at Fellowship. Story after story of God's faithfulness to sinners who loved Jesus. Story after story of grace and mercy- of patience and fulfillment. I found myself overcome with emotion. The truth is that the congregation of people I sat amongst- some 1200 people- became intimately close. We were all in a position of realizing how undeserving we are and how GREAT a GOD we serve- who despite our faithlessness... lavishes goodness upon us. A God who doesn't stray- even though we do... a God who pours out mercy and grace when we are in our furthest hour from Him. Overwhelmed. As the worship team came back to lead us in a few more songs-- I was so struck my God's mercy that I found myself overcome with thankfulness and praise... who am I that He chose to love me? I went from this question of 'how do we fit in among 3k believers in one building?' to a clear understanding and confirmation that this body in Brentwood, Tennessee is where God would have us in this season of our life. As we made our way out of the parking lot, I called Chris to share with him this confirmation- and still so overwhelmed I broke into tears, humbled by what the Lord allowed me to experience in that not so big building... with not so many hundreds of people... Our last few years have been usually difficult- laced with grief and pain and hurt- we've seen believers divided, families divided, and homes divided... and its left gaping wounds in our souls. But for the first time in longer than I can remember... I felt peace this morning and I believe that healing is beginning in our life. I am humbled by my meeting with Jesus today- and oh so thankful for His everlasting love and faithfulness.

The service this morning ended with this song... and when I searched I found this version done by a former classmate at TNU back in the early 90's. It felt appropriate to add his version...

Home

Its been a very long week. Seven full days since Chris went back to Maryland. Being mom and *trying* dad to four kids is exhausting... not to mention attempting to get myself re-enrolled into school which starts next week. I'm ready for my husband to come home. I take too much for granted when he's here- remind me of that in a few months.

Here's a song for you, Chris:

**********************************************************

onto the details of the week:

Nick had his first scrimmage game this past Friday night and I was extremely proud as I watched my son hold his own on the field. Best of all, the first thing he said to me when I picked him up after the game: "That was SO fun!" I made some phone calls and apparently he still isn't in the correct placement for his classes- they just received his school records and haven't done any assessments. However, tomorrow, he'll be pulled out for testing and should be placed where he will be best challenged. I'm sure he'll be thrilled about that. In the meantime, between school work and football, he was very little time of his own. I think that is good.

Julia started soccer today. This is the first time she has played soccer for an organized team but she is a natural. The coaches were very impressed with here ability already. They even made the effort to come over and tell me so. I have to chalk her soccer talent up to her daddy... he would be proud watching her.

I got Em signed up for dance classes for the year- which begin in a few weeks. I chose modern dance for her because there is room for artist interpretation... which I think will be great for her. She is really excited about finally being able to do something extra curricular on her own. I am excited for her too. I know she will have a blast.

Soph completed her first full week as a presschooler. So far- so good. I did get a note ONE day stating that she had some "minor" behavior- but she seemed to straighten that out by the end of the week. I started switching over some of her doctor's this week but I am still on the hunt for a pediatrician and private speech therapist and OT. We've also had some issues this past week with her having random allergic reactions to stuff- bugs, plants, etc. On two separate occasions, without knowing what caused it- she has had "stinging" types of reactions from both a plant and also bug bites- in which she develops hives. In both instances, her muscles respond and she starts trembling. Its actually pretty scary to watch. For that reason, I got a refill on the epipen which I'll be delivering to the school tomorrow- AND I am carrying her epipen with me everywhere at this point. I know change in environment and plants/bugs that go along with that are probably to blame- but I think we are to the point that we need to see an allergist and find out the extent of her reactions. The last thing I want to do is put her through that testing- but I think at this point- it may be necessary. Now all I need to do is find an allergist. Hmmm.....

So, I mentioned that I'm working on getting back to school this semester. I was going to take the semester off- but decided to just jump back into it. I'm not getting any younger. I have meetings/tests/registration multiple days this week at TNU... and then classes start next Tuesday- so, its going to be a hectic week for me.

Also, got good news a few days ago: mom got a job. It is downtown with a nonprofit organization (which she has experience with) and I think the job is going to be a good fit for her. She starts the day after labor day. She's excited- and we are excited for her- change is good when you embrace it.

One last note for tonight: Chris' uncle Dennis had a heart attack while on vacation in Myrtle Beach this week. He is diabetic and there are multiple other concerns/issues- but tomorrow he is going into surgery for triple bypass at 6am (EST). Please say a prayer for him, the doctors, and the family. We want him feeling better and back to himself as soon as possible.

The bumpy road...

I'm emotional today- actually, I have been for a few days. I could come up with a half dozen reasons why I've been so up and down but truly there is only one reason: Chris had to go back to Maryland today.

In November, Chris and I will have been together for fifteen years. A month later, in December, we'll celebrate fourteen years of marriage. We've had some better days, weeks, months, and years than others- but the past few years have been especially difficult. This afternoon as I was weeping in my husband's arms, it just reconfirmed to me that I'm where I want to be- with who I want to be with. All of the other crap in life just fades away in light of that one true realization. The unfortunate part is that in this new transition of our life together- as we are settling into a new home and community- he's not here with me- the way it SHOULD be. Chris keeps telling me 'one day at a time' which is exactly what we have to do to get through these next few months- but it is definitely more difficult than I thought it would be. So- I won't see him again in the month of August- he'll be back on September 1st for 11 or 12 days... and until then, I'll manage here... sad. I found this quote and thought how true it is... so, I thought I'd share... and just reiterate to my husband that I would choose him all over again.

One of the nicest things you can say to your partner, "If I had it to do
over again, I'd choose you. Again."
Unknown

Now here's a break in the thought process to update on the past few very busy days

*******************************************************************************

The kids all started school on Thursday- it was only a half day for the three older kids- and only a 1 hr orientation time for Soph. But, it went well and Friday was a typical day. I'll start with Nick.

Nick has decided to play football this year for the school team. Chris met with the coach and we got all of Nick's paperwork taken care of and he participated in his first practice at Sunset on Friday evening. Then Saturday morning and into the afternoon- he had a scrimmage game at an area school. So far- so good. He seems to enjoy it though he's pretty sore from the practice/game. I think all in all, this will be good for him... but it does make me nervous seeing him out there with kids twice his size coming at him. (Maybe he'll learn to run faster???)

Julia seems to really be enjoying her teacher and new school. But, I wouldn't expect less. Julia loves school. We also got Julia signed up for rec soccer and she had her evaluations on Saturday. Got the email today that teams have been chosen and her practices will start Saturday. I think this will be a great way for Julia to meet more girls her age and make new friends.

Emma is in the second grade. I still can't really believe that. Anyway, she is enjoying her class and has made a friend or two. Emma can be a bit chatty- and her sarcastic sense of humor isn't always understood by her peers- but I know she'll latch on to a friend or two and she'll do just fine. No sports for Em at this point- but I am looking into dance classes for her. If you are a local and have any suggestions- I'm all ears.

Sophia. Friday was tough... for me... and maybe her teacher. I got her to school and got her out of the truck and the teacher came over to get her. Soph was great until she realized that I wasn't coming along. :-( She yelled "mommy" and started crying and I sat for a few moments as she was carried toward the school with the teacher. I took a deep breath and drove into town to run a few errands. Chris and I picked her up at 11:30 and she was happy to see us. In her bookbag- we had the 'rundown' of the day on a piece of paper which told us how her day was- and did notate that she "protested :-)" So- I'm not sure for how long or to what degree (and maybe its best that way) but she started school and goes back again tomorrow. To be honest, I have HIGH hopes for my Sophia Hope and I'm looking forward to the progress she is going to make this year. I'm still not sure if I'm ready for all of this- but I am CERTAIN that she is.

Alright, I suppose I should head off to bed. 6:15am comes early- and goes nonstop until this time tomorrow night. Good night, all.

Settling In Still...

Well, we've been here for 11 days (and nights) now. Its crazy- some days it feels longer- and other days- it doesn't. But, in the past 11 days we have made some major progress on the house and getting everything unpacked and in its place. Curtains are hung, pictures are in place (for the most part), comforters are resting on their beds, and furniture has been arranged and rearranged. Today, we officially unpacked the garage enough to park both of our vehicles into the garage. With my big SUV, its a tight fit- but we'll make it work. So far, we love it. The size of the house is still tremendous for us. The kids love having their own space and we love having enough room to comfortably entertain. As of yesterday, the kids (except Sophie) were all officially registered for school- which starts on Thursday (YES, THIS Thursday). Tomorrow morning, Chris and I have a meeting at Sophie's school with the county representative for student services, the principle of the school, and Sophie's new pre-school teacher. This meeting will HOPEFULLY go over smoothly, however, we are having to transition services that Soph has been receiving in Maryland to Tennessee- and to make sure that all of her needs are adequately addressed. There are some technicalities that we need to work through with the school but we're hoping that everything goes easily. We'll know tomorrow when Soph will be officially able to start school- we're hoping Thursday or Friday- but we'll see.

Chris was able to drive down on Friday night and will be here with us through Sunday afternoon. I'm glad to have him home. It doesn't much feel like home with him not being here. He continues to plug away with his job coming to an end and has been given the opportunity to "work from home" here in Tennessee somewhat frequently so that he can be with us. I am grateful.

Since Chris was home on Sunday- we went to a new church in Brentwood, which is about 15 minutes from the house. The kids all really liked it. And I think we are going to go again this coming Sunday. So far, we like everything we know about the church- and we've done some pretty thorough research. I guess time will tell. Pray that we find the right place to worship for our family.

I updated SOME photos on Facebook with a new album of pics of our house. I'm missing a kitchen picture- but other than that, right now there are photos of the whole lower level. I'll upload a kitchen pic here shortly. Photos of the upstairs will follow at some point this week. Keep checking back. Here is a link to the album.

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150252879106861.324097.677156860&type=1

So in short- so far so good. I'll update again in the next week with more details of the kids start of their new school and anything else that might be happening.

Settling In...

Well, we've just spent our third night in our new home- the first one with Chris not with us. I'm a bit heavy hearted with him not being here- I miss him desperately... and its only been 24 hours. Its going to be a long transition for us all.

The trip down here was long and exhausting starting with a 3am departure time from Maryland. Honestly, both Chris and I had trouble sleeping at all Friday night and so we both drove on little to no sleep. Its the first time I can remember having to really talk to myself during the drive to keep me from nodding off. Once we arrived, we had help here at the house waiting for us- so, we didn't get to rest. We spent the remainder of the day unloading our packed down truck and assembling furniture that we were going to need to sleep on that night. We didn't get into bed until about 11pm and we all crashed hard. Exhaustion is an understatement. However, it became very surreal- being in our new house- a house that was/is big enough for us all to fit without invading each others space. This was what we've been planning for and looking forward to for 9 months now... and here we are. I'll be honest, there were MANY days that I wondered if that was ever going to happen. Were we ever going to make it to Tennessee??? But, here we are... settling in.

I got the kids all registered for school yesterday- with the exception of Sophia (because her registration is more involved and I"m waiting on a call back from the early intervention office in our county). On Friday morning, Nick will go to a new student orientation from 9-12pm for an opportunity to walk through his new school and get to know where he's going before he shows up next Thursday. I'm glad they have this orientation set up and that we are here for him to participate... its intimidating walking into a new school... but I KNOW he will do great.

Last night, our next door neighbor brought us dinner. I was touched that they would offer and then even more thankful when I didn't have to worry about preparing anything while unpacking and straightening up. Our experience in this neighborhood so far has been great. The kids have children their age to play with (the downside is its 110 degrees outside so no one wants to play outside during the day)- and have already begun making friends. One of the major concerns we had moving was Sophie. She is so structured and regimented that anytime you mess with her schedule, she really has a hard time adjusting. Surprisingly enough, that has NOT been the case so far with Soph. She loves the new house- she runs around, makes herself comfortable and has plenty of space of enjoy. We are certain as we watch her that moving into this house was the best fit for our family. I'm looking forward to getting everyone adjusted into a schedule as school starts next week.

Well, I suppose that's it for now- I'll try to update in a few days- WITH pictures. Right now, the downstairs is looking more under control- but the upstairs is still filled to the brim with boxes... and have I mentioned the garage is full of boxes too. I know everyone is curious to see the house- so, I'll do my best to get it up soon.

A stroll down memory lane....

After almost nine months of waiting and wondering how everything was going to play out... we're down to four more days (including today) in Maryland. I've spent the last three weeks tied up in details of switching utilities, addresses, contracts, and weaving in good-byes. I'm exhausted- but room by room- our home of the past seven years is almost packed up. Its shocking how much we've accumulated- and we're the people who give away and throw away-- so, I'm not really sure how that happened. Regardless, the time is quickly approaching when we will pile our children into our trucks and make that 800 mile trek to Tennessee.

People keep asking if I'm excited- the short answer is yes. I'm excited about the prospect of the future- I'm excited about a fresh start with the man that God has given me and the children that God has blessed us with. Its been a tough few years- lots of struggles and bad days... and I am certain that there will be struggles and bad days in the south- but for right now- I'm hopeful that we'll weather those with renewed strength as a family. Chris's job layoff signaled a confirmation for us that we had been waiting for- the doors are closing for us here- and we are anticipating the opening doors that we'll venture into soon enough in Tennessee. It's exciting, at the least.

We will be leaving here 2 days shy of our 11th anniversary in Maryland. On August 1, 2000, we packed up two cars and headed up here from North Carolina. Its kind of funny looking back. We sold off or gave away the majority of our things- knowing that we'd be living with Chris' parents for awhile so we could save for a down payment to buy a house. We only had Nicolas- who was only 1 and few months old. Within the course of 10 months- Chris and I were homeowners for the first time at the ripe old ages of 21and 23. I remember our agent telling us back then how refreshing it was to see a young couple who "had it together." We loved our townhouse and worked hard to improve it- and almost three years to the day- we sold it for a huge gain and moved into 106 Williams street. While in our townhouse, we brought home two baby girls- first, Julia and then Emma. Within a matter of five months of Em's birth, we moved into this house. Its crazy, none of the kids really have any memory of the town house. Its okay- we have lots of photos and mine and Chris' memories are full. When we moved into this house- we knew that God had hand delivered this house to us- as we were in the peak housing market boom and homes were selling within hours of being listed. We looked and looked and really wanted to be in the neighborhood with his parents- but weren't able to find a place big enough for our family of five. Then, the day we were scheduled to sign to list our town house for sale- we went and looked at a home that we were settling on in Abingdon- a split level- that we were gearing up to put a contract on. Diane (my mother in law) had gone with us and was arriving back at home when she found her next door neighbors outside power washing their siding. Diane began talking to them and quickly found out that those neighbors were listing their house for sale that afternoon- Diane was listening to them talk as she was dialing Chris' cell phone. Within a matter of minutes, Chris and my mom were walking through this house and within a matter of an hour, I was also walking through with our agent. Long story short- the neighbors practically gave us the house for a price that was $25k UNDER appraisal value in a very competitive housing market. This home brought a third baby girl, and a fourth child to our family- and the official realization that we had outgrown our home.

As the past month has unfolded- it has become crystal clear that our direction is right. It's funny- we found the town and the exact neighborhood that we wanted to be- but I believe the Lord guided our paths to 1405 Peppermint Lane. It wasn't ideal- we lost our "dream house." However, while in Nashville three weeks ago, as we looked at what is going to be our home- we knew the house was different. Locks and gates put up high, a fully fenced back yard, details in the home that made it ideal for Sophie. When we talked to the owner and Chris discussed our family, Chris mentioned the security in the home being ideal for our little one with special needs- it was then revealed that the family who had moved out of this home had an autistic son. Crazy?! Upon another trip back to the home, we met the very friendly neighbors- who each have three children of their own- all the same ages as our children. We also find out that one neighbor is a special education teacher! What's further an interesting fact is that this house was only for sale- but when I contacted the owner asking if he would be interested in renting (as I contacted every other homeowner for sale in the neighborhood with 4 bdrms or more that had been listed for more than 60 days; a total of about 15 homeowners)--this homeowner was the ONLY one interested in renting. Once again, we felt our home had been delivered to us.

So, yes, we are excited. We will miss our family here a great deal- and we will miss our friends- the true ones. The ones who have stood by us and who have walked this journey with us- loving us and praying for us and with us. But what's great is knowing that those true friendships last through garbage and love reigns high--- and we'll have plenty of space for company when they come to visit. The most valuable thing I've learned from my 11 years in Maryland: God is faithful when we are faithless.

seasons change...

We've spent the past 8-9 months with our home on the market- looking for a potential buyer. We've had probably 50-60 showings in those many months. So, of course, you can imagine how frustrated we've become as we've had buyer after buyer come in the doors and then leave with no offer made. Over the course of those 9 months, we've made repairs to the house- some cosmetic and some major. We've done every thing in our power to entice a buyer- including drop the price some $50k.

In the meantime, we've been building our dream home in Nolensville, TN- in a development called Ballenger Farms. Nolensville is a great small town- that was the perfect compromise between Chris' desire to be rural and mine to not be secluded. WE love Nolensville.

SO- I'll fast forward to Wednesday of this week. Chris went to work and called me saying that something was "wrong" at work. He said he suspected that someone may be getting laid off. An hour or so passed and he called me. His exact words were "do you want the good news or the bad news?" Of course, I requested the bad news first. He continued to inform me that his whole department/office was being laid off. I said "what's the good news?" His response- "I'm on my way home."

For us- this week- even in light of this 'bad' news- has been a peaceful and enlightening one. We started realizing that possibly the reason our prayers for our house to sell hadn't been answered because we needed to wait... for Chris' job to disappear. Confused? As the last week has unfolded, we have had clarity. The important things in life aren't what house we're living in or building or what job you slave away at all day. The important things in life are the lives of those people who you come home to every day. For us, our address doesn't matter... our family DOES. So, with all of that being said... we will be moving to Nolensville in three weeks (7/31). After speaking to our agent and lendor in Tennessee, it became clear that due to Chris' job loss that we won't be able to secure a loan for our dream home at this point. We signed the paperwork to release us from our contigent contract on our house today. On the flip side, we were able (in a very short amount of time- Thank You, Lord) to secure a 4 bdrm 3 bath 3k sq foot home in the SAME development in Nolensville to move into in just 3 weeks. Not only did we find a perfect replacement home in Nolensville but also secured a qualified renter on our home in Bel Air to move in on 8/1. One year leases all around- and acceptable terms for everyone. The craziness of this twist of events may scare some people... but we are secure and living in peace.

Life will be nuts over the next few weeks as we transition- but we've known for awhile that we were headed for change in our family... and now, it is finally coming. It will be bittersweet leaving our home of the last 11 years but exciting to walk into the next chapter.

The Subjective Truth

I think there are times in life where its best to just say "i just can't understand." Things get hard- pressure pushes on us and as a result the person that really are... is exposed. Sometimes, its encouraging and we realize that we have integrity and character- mercy and patience- love and grace. And other times, the dirt that we are is shown in all brightness and clarity for the world to see.

I remember being a kid in Sunday school and our youth leader saying 'truth is NOT subjective.' He went on to say that truth is absolute- unchanging- it just is. For me, that concept was simple enough to understand at that time in my life. However, today... truth is subjective.

This subjective truth that I know is full of circumstances. The black and the white are mixed into different shades of gray. We can come up with a list of reasons why we are right in the position we stand- a list of reasons that justify actions, words, and lack of action. We can also script out a list of why others are wrong- why we have a right to be where we are in our subjective truth. In all of this confusion, stands a community- a family- a couple----- an individual. The individual has to then decide on the version of truth that they can best live with and accept... and then, we move forward- or backwards- but at least there is movement and not a sedentary motionless shell existing in the presence.

Eyes wide shut....

Chris says my musical taste is "sketch." I'll be the first to admit that my choices in music are eclectic. For me, music is less about the genre and more about the message behind the instrument- the guts of the song are what draws me in. On any given day I could switch between Evanescence to Rascal Flatts and then back to Guns n Roses. The truth is: music is in me. I enjoy it all. And so with that in mind, I'll begin my blog.

In my humble opinion- Damien Rice may be the most genius song writer of modern times. I realize that is a strong statement and I don't take it lightly. I'll mention that I find the rawness and sincerity of his lyrics to be breathtaking. Most days, regardless of my mood, Damien Rice shares my day. My favorite song of his is called "Accidental Babies"--- I know, I know... sketch. But if you have a minute-or five- listen to the link I attached. Honestly, if you can listen to this song and not feel anything- I question if you have a heart.

Along those lines- I heard a song of Rice's for the first time this past week- and I found myself even further drawn into the quirkiness of his lyrics and the brilliance of his delivery. The song is called "Eskimo." Interestingly enough- the song is said to be about his bought with writers block and the inspiration he received from a friend. I can say as a song writer: I've been there. Its interesting to me the "spells" we go through in life. Time periods of joy and happiness- blindness and falling in love- contentment and dreaming that lead to pain and fear- clarity and resentment- frustration and failure. Even more interesting to me is the way that as a writer- those times of extremes breed some of the most beautiful raw emotional sincere truths about ourselves that others are able to relate to on similar levels when we put it down in song form. We think we're all alone out there- no one understands. We believe that we live isolated from the sympathies of others who have/are living similar lives to our own. I don't know that I'll ever really understand how we trick ourselves into believing we're alone. Thankfully, for me, music gives me hope. Honest songs help me realize I'm not alone. Love songs help me have hope for happier times. And music drives me toward life- LIVING life not existing in it. Take a listen to sheer brilliance: Eskimo.

good night sweetheart well its time to go....

In August 2000, Chris, Nick and me made our way north- to Maryland. We really had no idea what the future held for us- but all we knew was that we wanted to be around family. So, we left High Point, NC and we've spent over a decade in Maryland. I'll be the first to admit, the first few years for me were a rough adjustment. I wasn't used to the snow or the 8 months of winter or the insanely congested way of life. I remember when we first moved here thinking we would NEVER be able to afford a home of our own. Now, fast forward 10 years and we're almost 7 years into our second home. I've loved Maryland. I've loved the 'realness' of the residents, the aggressiveness of the driving, and the terrain of the countryside. However, a decade plus into our plan for our life here in the Mid Atlantic... and things have changed a lot. In 2002, we had Julia. I love her. She's made life an adventure. She's brave and smart and soft hearted. In late 2003, along came Emma. She's funny- and adorable- and quick witted. And very much to our surprise (due to sterilization surgery in 2004 and our plans to not have anymore children)--- along came Sophia in 2008. Our journey with Sophia has been battled and hard and exhausting- but in Dec. 2010- she legally became ours. So, now, here we are with four children--- and us.

I'd be lying if I said that life is how I expected it would be... over 13 years into our marriage. The term "life happened" is all too real a reality to us here under this roof. Chris finished his degree--- THANK GOD! and we had a family--- THANK YOU, GOD!---- and now, we have been placed in a spot in life where we have a road with two forks--- and we had a decision to make. We've loved our time here and we love our family here. We've valued every get together, party, event, and holiday that we've had the opportunity to participate in due to our geographical location. However, we've come to a point where we know and believe that change is what will best suit our family of six. Its not an easy decision- we're leaving behind dear loved ones and very close friends- we're leaving behind a home that we've built together and a life that we've created in 21014. However, for the overall happiness and strength of our family- we KNOW that the time has come to move south. We found a home. We placed a contract- and our dream home is being constructed. The floor plans, the wall colors, the cabinet texture, and the landscaping design are all our choice- but the bottom line has nothing to do with the structure that we are moving into. The bottom line is that: its time to make a choice in the fork in the road. I'm thankful that Chris and I land on the same side. I'm more thankful that the side we chose also has family waiting at its end. The transition won't be easy- but its what we believe is best. In the meantime, we are trusting that our home here in 21014 will be sold in time for our departure to 37135. I'll leave with this- a poem I was forced to memorize in the 11th grade- but now that I'm 32, i'm glad I still remember it:

The Road Less Traveled:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

...Robert Frost

Waking up from the dead....

So, my blogging has fallen to the wayside. Oops...

I found myself thinking today, I feel like I'm starting to wake up again. I spent much of the past year existing. I didn't enjoy my life- I didn't see any hope for things to change. I hit the wall around the end of September. I was, no doubt, the lowest I've ever been in my medial life of almost 32 years. I got to the point where I realized that I had very little control over what was going on in my own home. I hated knowing that I wasn't really doing the best I could for my family-- even though, I tried. So, I started going to counseling. I think, for me, it was the best thing that I could've done. Its been months now- but I definitely believe that my head is becoming more clear. I also believe that my direction in life is regaining purpose and I'm trying to be the woman that I believe I lost over the past decade or so.

In the course of the past few months, I have also gone through a diagnosis process for what started as 'blue fingers.' Randomly, I started noticing that my fingers were turning blue- on both hands- but usually significantly more on the left hand. After observing the changes in my hands and then a sharp change in my overall health- I started to seek answers. I went through my primary doctor and then on to a few specialists who ran tons of lab work and ordered tons of tests. Out of those tests, it was determined that I was in the beginning stages of an autoimmune disease called Lupus. My energy levels rapidly dropped as I fought severe fatigue, muscle soreness, kidney and bladder discomfort and issues, along with a sudden increase in my cholesterol reading, decrease in kidney function, sharp decrease in my Vitamin D, and a drop in my calcium. I felt blindsighted. I still had blue hands and within just a few months- after ultrasounds of my hands- it was established that there was already nerve damage happening in my fingers. This was considered a "flare." From what I understand, a flare can last from days to many months and once treated can go away for years at times. However, while in a flare- course of treatment is necessary to stop any damage to the body that the flare is causing... in my case- the nerves in my fingers and damage to my kidneys. So, I've been on steroids- two now- for about 5.5 months. I've started feeling better. I'm ready to be active again- went from running 24 miles one week to not being able to roll out of bed the next.... the steroids have added about 25 lbs to me in the course of the past 5.5 months. Of course, I'm ECSTATIC about that. Regardless, I'm ready to feel young and healthy again. I'm not sure when I'll be able to run again... but I'm really looking forward to the fact that I WILL run again... soon.

In the meantime, other areas of life are looking up (somewhat). We have made the decision to move south. It's been something we've discussed for a lot of years, but the time was never right. In the past 6 months, I've realized... we NEED change. I've loved being in Maryland and I have fought to stay here but its time to move on. We've put a contract on a new construction home in Nolensville, TN- we got a great deal and we'll be headed down next week to work out the specs on the home. We have our house listed and we are waiting patiently for the right buyer to come and make an offer. Chris' job is promoting him to another position- which will allow him to 'telecommute' his job from home. He will be traveling more once we move- but the promotion comes with a lot of hard work that he has committed into his company over the past few years. They know he would be a huge loss for them if he left- so they chose to accommodate our plans. We are thankful.

The kids are doing well in school. They are excited about the move too. Sophie is progressing slowly. She has had some huge advances in her speech- but she is still receiving 5 therapies a week all told. I don't expect her needs to change very significantly over the next few years- we are working hard to do what is best for her both now and in the future. She'll be 3 next week- her first birthday as an official "Cox."

I think for me... watching life seemingly spiral out of control over the past 2-3 years or so...I've gained some new perspective. I'm jaded, yes. However, I think that the lessons that I've learned give me hope for something better in the future. I don't have it figured out- and I never will. I am a mess every day but I'm learning how to be honest with myself about what's important and what's not. One of these days, I'm going to publish a memoir- the details of the rest of my life- I'll wait to share until then.