A few days... a hard week

At the risk of seeming melodramatic, sometimes I feel like my life is a huge tornado. I'm caught in the middle of this huge destructive force that takes out homes and families and shelters and food and people. I, personally, am not the tornado... I'm just caught in the middle of it. Not the middle that has the peaceful, sun shining, beautiful eye... the middle that allows me no way to escape and so I either surrender to the force and go with it or I fight and become a result of the destruction myself. That may not be the best example... but I'll elaborate.

I've spent two plus years JOYFULLY loving a child that I was given. I do believe God allowed her to be placed in my care and protection. I'm not much for the 'everything happens for a reason' camp... but regardless, I've been fighting for the opportunity to be legally deemed this child's mother for over 26 months. It became clear early on that she (I'll not name her- for protective purposes) has a wide array of developmental delays. These delays range from physical to congitive. In the middle of that, I've rushed forward seeking resources to help this child in every area I can. There have been days of frustration and days of disappointment. However, there have been days of great victory and days of massive accomplishment too. Not one day have I ever felt burdened by loving this child. Not one day have I ever felt any differently toward her than I have my other three kids. She is mine... in my heart, in my soul, in my life. She is mine. But legally, she is someone else's.

Tomorrow I begin, what I anticipate to be possibly the hardest days of my life to date. I will sit on a court stand and testify to this child's needs. I will testify to her place in my home and family. I will testify to loving her as my own. I will also look into the eyes of the man who created her life and whole heartedly affirm that he should not be given the right to father her. Its harsh, I know. The circumstances are complicated and ugly and one day I will write a book which details those circumstances. In the meantime, I will spend the next three days of my life sitting in a court room listening to testimony after testimony. I will listen to details of facts that I know little about. I will watch the birth father and his family and I am sure I will be sick. I cannot fathom EVER being in that position. I will NEVER be in that position. But, deep down, I do feel something... not remorse... but something- as a parent myself- that makes it hard for me to sit there hard and emotionless as I pile on to the reasons why he is not fit to be a part of this child's life. He should not be given the opportunity to father her. I have NO questions about that fact. Again, there are a million details I can't go into... but those details are also what makes my heart hurt over this situation. I find myself wondering, is it possible to really hate the man who created a child that you adore? I'm clear headed- my mind is sharp and ready. My heart is heavy and sad. Here goes everything...

No way to sugar coat it

There are two things I hate more than anything.  Number One:  DO NOT yell at me or raise your voice at me in a public place.  If you have a problem, there are other ways to communicate it.  Specifically, there are other places to communicate it.  Number Two:  I HATE looking like a fool.  I guess one and two both kind of correspond.  I think the bottom line is I don't like to be humiliated or disrespected.  Of course, who does?  Ordinarily, number one is something that I constantly bitch at my husband about.  He is short fused and tends to find the most inappropriate times to say the most inappropriate things.  I think I first remember this type of instance happening when I was young.  My dad would raise his voice at my mom or me or my sisters in public.  It embarrassed me,regardless of who the subject of the tongue lashing was.  I see it as the most inexcusable form of humiliation.  However, a close second is number two.  Number two happens when you expect a certain outcome- maybe because its been told to you what to expect or maybe because its the logical outcome of a situation- and BANG you find out (either by accident or by direct contact) that the outcome is wrong.  Thus, you (I) am the fool.  I know number two seems confusing.  But really, its not.  Truthfully, number two has to do with trusting someone and then realizing that there is a level of deceit or even blatant lieing.  With number two- the same thing happens to me as with number one... I'm embarrassed and I feel stupid.  In both instances, I have a hard time recovering from someone I care about doing this to me.  I find it interesting that in both cases also, it is typically someone that proclaims or implies some type of mutual care/relationship.  Maybe I'm just babbling.  Truth is... I was hurt today.  It doesn't take much these days... but regardless, it makes those walls of mine just a little higher and my heart just a little more jaded.

I ran to try and clear my head of the above.  It didn't work.  So, I biked.  It didn't work either.  I'm hoping venting will.  And now, I'm just sore from 7 miles of abuse to my body and ready to climb into bed at 7pm.  Healthy, I know.

You've got to be kidding me...

On April 21st, Emma was diagnosed with strep throat. In the course of the past month, she has had strep twice (we got her second dx today), Julia has been diagnosed with strep twice, and Nicolas has been diagnosed with strep once. Prior to the past month, Nicolas had his tonsils out due to reoccurring strep infections. Obviously, the tonsilectomy didn't help him much. I'm so frustrated. When I went out to get the fifth antibiotic of the month, I went ahead and threw some Lysol wipes, bleach, hand sanitizer, new tooth brushes, and new toothpaste. I'm seriously over the sickness. Its GOT to stop. In the meantime, I have a sore throat. :-(

Chris' 33rd birthday hits in about 8 minutes. Of course, he's still in Texas... actually out on the town tonight. I made a few threats via text message on his anticipated good behavior. As long as they all don't celebrate too much tonight... he'll be just fine.

As ridiculous as it may seem, as tired as I am these days... once I fell to sleep last night, I had a terrible time with dreams. I know there are times when my conscious life creeps DEEPLY into my subconscious during my sleeping hours... but I wonder from time to time just how much of dreaming is a manifestation of what we refuse to verbalize in consciousness. I know you have those random dreams where you're being chased by a giant slice of pizza, you trip and fall and then you realize... hey, I can eat the damn thing. But what about dreams that have a little more realistic tone? I can't seem to figure out the trigger button. I don't know why some nights I lay my head down and I don't move until my alarm goes off. No waking. No dreams. Just sleep. And then there are other nights when it seems as though I wake every 25 minutes and every dream is sequential to the dream before. I see people I don't expect in situations I don't expect to be in. I respond in ways I don't think I'm capable of and then I wake. Some situations are scary... some are just interesting. I don't want to go into detail... but if my dreams become any more lively... i'm going to need to write a book.

I suppose I'll end with that. I'm hoping to sleep tonight. If not, maybe I'll be back...

good night. sweet dreams. ;-)

Texas- His second home

I thought maybe this would be a good outlet for me. A place to keep track of life... since I have so much spare time these days (insert sarcasm here).

Chris flew to Texas this evening, again. His company has launched a huge marketing campaign and Chris is involved in the financials and planning of this new venture. So, he spends another week, almost, in Dallas. We agreed back at the end of the year that it would be okay for him to travel more, and so I knew this would be happening. I'm fine with him being away and I'm getting used to sleeping lightly. Lizzie (my pup) stands guard at night and barks at any sound she hears. I walk around at least twice and make sure that all the windows and doors are locked. My phone stays in its usual spot of underneath my pillow. My kids doors are open and my in laws are right next door... if I should need them. I mostly spend the evenings bickering with my girls (after they are in bed) because they don't seem to settle down and go to sleep for me the way they do when their daddy is here. Go figure. Today, Emma has been coughing pretty badly... which doesn't necessarily mean anything. However, I did have to wake her twice after she fell asleep tonight to give her a breathing treatment and then again to have her inhale albuterol. All is silent in the girls room since the treatment.

I just finished my first semester back to college. I'm going a little nuts waiting for grades to be posted. I think professors have until midnight tomorrow night. I decided to take the summer off... right now, I kind of wish I had decided to continue through but I could use the mental break. I anticipate a B in my Nutrition class. I was borderline the entire semester with an A- but I just don't think I made it. The statistics class on the other hand, kicked my ass. I have never had a harder class in my life. My brain just doesn't seem to contort to the shape of statistical math. I recently found out that these classes are basically obsolete anymore anyway because software and computer programs has made it unnecessary. We'll see how this semester ends up. I restart in the fall taking 9 hours. 6 of those are psychology hours online and then 3 hours is an research writing/english class. The good thing is that in December, I'll graduate with an AA in Psychology. The degree is COMPLETELY unuseful. However, it will help me with moving into the BSN program @ Towson University starting in January. I'm now officially the last one in my family (my parents and sisters) to complete my bachelor's degree... I'm proud of Rebecca... and now Tiffany is working on her masters. Dad already has a masters... mom finished her bachelor's years ago. I want to finish mine. Chris says he doesn't understand why I'm so bent on continuing. He says "I have all my needs met and someone who is happy to do that for me." I have been ineffective in articulating to him that its something that I need to do. I want to be an example to my kids... to finish what you start... even if it take 15 years. I want my girls to know that having an education is important. I need to finish this degree to prove to myself that I can do it. It is hard work... and I am doing it at an impossible time in life. But if the impossible times in life don't press us toward change then we're stuck without hope. I'll press on.

The last few days have been a little... a lot... emotional. Lots of crap happening with Sophie and we go to TPR next week. We've waited for 26 months for this court appearance... and we're 8 days away. My nerves are shot... I try not to think about it. In the meantime, I feel completely self destructive. Its crazy. Really. I say things. Do things. Things that I KNOW are bad... things that I know good can't come from. But, I can't seem to stop. I find that its very difficult for me to attach to people for the same reason its not easy for me to unattach to them. Its all an unhealthy cycle of lack of trust and lack of confidence to leave things behind that aren't good. I have watched person after person become someone different than who they said they were over and over and over again within the course of the past two years. I've been trampled down and kicked by people who said they were "believers." I don't question their salvation, I know we're all sinners. What I do question is if anything in their life is true and real. I wonder that about everyone, really. I mean... does everyone live a different life behind closed doors? Is there anyone out there who IS what they appear to be? I have come to seriously doubt there is anyone like that. I think we're all hypocrites in same form or fashion. We look out for our reputation, we look out for our families reputation. We don't want anyone to think bad things about us... and certainly don't want anyone to see the ugly truth. I think I've realized that once we accept that we're all flawed... some more than others. Or we realize that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship... maybe we can rest a little in knowing we aren't so different from everyone else. My question: When do we all tear the walls down and stop dancing around the truth with fairytale lies?