Waking up from the dead....

So, my blogging has fallen to the wayside. Oops...

I found myself thinking today, I feel like I'm starting to wake up again. I spent much of the past year existing. I didn't enjoy my life- I didn't see any hope for things to change. I hit the wall around the end of September. I was, no doubt, the lowest I've ever been in my medial life of almost 32 years. I got to the point where I realized that I had very little control over what was going on in my own home. I hated knowing that I wasn't really doing the best I could for my family-- even though, I tried. So, I started going to counseling. I think, for me, it was the best thing that I could've done. Its been months now- but I definitely believe that my head is becoming more clear. I also believe that my direction in life is regaining purpose and I'm trying to be the woman that I believe I lost over the past decade or so.

In the course of the past few months, I have also gone through a diagnosis process for what started as 'blue fingers.' Randomly, I started noticing that my fingers were turning blue- on both hands- but usually significantly more on the left hand. After observing the changes in my hands and then a sharp change in my overall health- I started to seek answers. I went through my primary doctor and then on to a few specialists who ran tons of lab work and ordered tons of tests. Out of those tests, it was determined that I was in the beginning stages of an autoimmune disease called Lupus. My energy levels rapidly dropped as I fought severe fatigue, muscle soreness, kidney and bladder discomfort and issues, along with a sudden increase in my cholesterol reading, decrease in kidney function, sharp decrease in my Vitamin D, and a drop in my calcium. I felt blindsighted. I still had blue hands and within just a few months- after ultrasounds of my hands- it was established that there was already nerve damage happening in my fingers. This was considered a "flare." From what I understand, a flare can last from days to many months and once treated can go away for years at times. However, while in a flare- course of treatment is necessary to stop any damage to the body that the flare is causing... in my case- the nerves in my fingers and damage to my kidneys. So, I've been on steroids- two now- for about 5.5 months. I've started feeling better. I'm ready to be active again- went from running 24 miles one week to not being able to roll out of bed the next.... the steroids have added about 25 lbs to me in the course of the past 5.5 months. Of course, I'm ECSTATIC about that. Regardless, I'm ready to feel young and healthy again. I'm not sure when I'll be able to run again... but I'm really looking forward to the fact that I WILL run again... soon.

In the meantime, other areas of life are looking up (somewhat). We have made the decision to move south. It's been something we've discussed for a lot of years, but the time was never right. In the past 6 months, I've realized... we NEED change. I've loved being in Maryland and I have fought to stay here but its time to move on. We've put a contract on a new construction home in Nolensville, TN- we got a great deal and we'll be headed down next week to work out the specs on the home. We have our house listed and we are waiting patiently for the right buyer to come and make an offer. Chris' job is promoting him to another position- which will allow him to 'telecommute' his job from home. He will be traveling more once we move- but the promotion comes with a lot of hard work that he has committed into his company over the past few years. They know he would be a huge loss for them if he left- so they chose to accommodate our plans. We are thankful.

The kids are doing well in school. They are excited about the move too. Sophie is progressing slowly. She has had some huge advances in her speech- but she is still receiving 5 therapies a week all told. I don't expect her needs to change very significantly over the next few years- we are working hard to do what is best for her both now and in the future. She'll be 3 next week- her first birthday as an official "Cox."

I think for me... watching life seemingly spiral out of control over the past 2-3 years or so...I've gained some new perspective. I'm jaded, yes. However, I think that the lessons that I've learned give me hope for something better in the future. I don't have it figured out- and I never will. I am a mess every day but I'm learning how to be honest with myself about what's important and what's not. One of these days, I'm going to publish a memoir- the details of the rest of my life- I'll wait to share until then.

How much longer until school starts back?!?!

Four kids has its joys: four hugs- four kisses- four "i love you's." And then, it has its frustrations: four mouths screaming, four pairs of arms to keep from hitting each other, four bodies to do laundry for. I swear... if I could get an equal amount of the joys to the frustrations... I'd probably feel less like I am going to pull my hair out. Truth is its been an insanely busy week. Every day the little one has had at least two therapies. And in addition to that in about 90 minutes we will venture out to the FIFTH doctor appointment THIS week. I have literally spent my days running around. Last night I was so exhausted that with the television and lights on I laid down and fell asleep. Chris was even on the bed working on his laptop. Eventually, he woke me up and asked me to move to my side. I vaguely remember rolling over. The good news is the weekend is not going to hot and its only mildly busy. That's more than I can say for the past few weekends.

School starts back in a month. August 30th to be exact. Its not like I am counting the days... oh wait... maybe I am. The sad part is that Nicolas will be starting middle school. I'm not quite ready to be the mom of a middle schooler. However, I suppose it was bound to happen eventually. He's kind of quiet and this is such a completely new experience for him. I'm a bit nervous. I remember my first day of middle school. I started @ Thomasville Middle School in Thomasville, NC. I remember the long halls, and the bells, and switching classes. It was also a new school district for me. So, I didn't have any friends coming in. It ended up being an okay experience I suppose. But I remember how things changed. The expectations were greater. The acknowledgement of puberty was greater. The risks were greater. I guess regardless of MY preparedness or lack there of- we have a month and then its go time. I may cry his first day.

Met my little one's new doctor today. He was very nice. Attentive. I'm pretty picky when it comes to the healthcare providers that I choose for my children. I want someone who is equally able to listen to my concerns and steer me in the right direction. Its interesting the accurateness of a first impression. I've found that in most cases my first impressions line up in the long run. However, there are the occasional ones that don't. Regardless, this new doctor will be a good match for us. I never want to feel rushed and he certainly didn't make me feel that way. I do hate going through all the details of her history- including legal and genetic- but there are times that it is necessary. Other than the fact that I was @ the office for 75 minutes- everything else went exceptionally well.

Ok- I've stolen enough time for this. Back to laundry- and the doctor's office. :-(

That's alright because I love the way you lie...

Don't know if many realize it but Eminem just released a new album called "recovery." My brother in law told me this is his attempt to write through "coming clean." The first song that has been released is called " I love the way you lie" which he collaborates with Rihanna. The lyrics on this song are intensely rich. If you haven't heard it...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_6_OlbxYLc
Not for little ears... that is my warning. I think the song is a perfect example of a codependent unhealthy abusive relationship. If you have ever wondered what it must feel like to be in that situation... here it is for the world to experience.

Speaking of unhealthy relationships... heard last night that my dad apparently moved back to Utah to be with his second wife. He mentioned this in his "happy birthday" to my mom on the phone last night. He said he 'believes in second chances.' On the flip side of this, my sister and her husband helped him get away from his second wife who he painted as an insane party girl. So, for him to up and leave and not tell anyone and go back to where he said it was such a hopeless situation. I don't understand. My mother lost her job a few weeks ago and me and my sisters are very firmly trying to get her to understand that she doesn't need to be in Indiana anymore. We've opened our home and my sisters have opened theirs. Now, we just need to make some things change for her. Dad... I told my sister last night... at some point I fully expect I'll be overflowing with his bullcrap and then... I'll meltdown. But, for now, I'm still not there. I can't seem to make myself feel any emotion for him other than extreme confusion and distrust. Go figure.

Went to court this week. Just a 6 month review before the judge as is required by law for any juvenile in the system. Today marks 7 weeks that the TPR trial has been done. Seven weeks of waiting for a report from the judge. 7 more weeks of silence. Frustration is overwhelming some days.

premature heart pain....

I'll preface with: its been several years now since I've had any issues with my heart. I was regulated out on medication that helped and it got to a point where I was able to stop taking the meds. My heart has a functional/electrical misfiring which has left me with an array of issues. I had a cardiac ablation a few years ago. I have ongoing low blood pressure, and I have an arrhythmia in the lower chamber of my heart. I spent years passing out, fighting cold sweats and clammy skin, monitoring pvc's and doing stress tests. I'm 31, by the way. Anyway, in the past I have had instances of chest pain. In all instances prior, it has proven to be anxiety or stress related. I'm an internal ticking time bomb. I suppose all of us can only take so much, but mine eventually manifests in distress in my heart. So, after 10 days of on and off chest pain... waking in the middle of the night wondering if I was having a heart attack... reasoning in my head that I don't have coronary artery disease or high blood pressure or cholesterol... I finally ended up in the Emergency Department at the local hospital yesterday afternoon. I'm not the person who uses the ED (ER) and I hate the process that goes along with it. However, I started wondering if I was really missing something since this chest pain was continuing to wake me out of a sleep. I spent 8 hours there... and immediately they noticed that my heart rate was abnormally low. It stayed between 40-60 the entire time. I was considered 'bradycardic.' Now, due to my training- running- THAT can and will train your heart to work more efficiently and can cause prolonged low heart rate. However, being trained or not, a heart rate that low needs to be monitored specifically when there are symptoms. I had several EKG's, a telemetry monitor, a chest xray, an ultrasound on my leg for possible DVT, and a CT of my chest for possible PE. After all the workup, and an incredibly nice ED doctor, he gave me the option of being admitted or going home. OF COURSE, I chose to go home. The major concerns were ruled out and he is still insisting I have a stress test done- which I'll call my cardiologist about on Monday. However, the chest pain is still there. Bottom line: simplify. Stress is an interesting thing... we can't change the situations that come our way in most cases. But its not the situations that cause the anxiety- its our response to the stress that cause anxiety. So, today... I slept and laid around and didn't do much of anything. The week starts back full blast tomorrow- but I NEED a vacation. My heart and body and mind NEED to rest. I NEED to not feel so consumed by life. The good news is: after this work week... we have vacation. Friends are coming to stay for the week and we are going to the beach, and the pool, and the city, and having crabs and beer, and then to an amusement park. I NEED to laugh. I NEED to unwind. I NEED to throw my schedule out for a week and breath normally. For those of you who worry... don't. I'm trying to take this seriously. Nothing like laying in a hospital bed with a heart monitor on at the age of 31. I'll slow down, I promise.

Holy Dreams Batman...

plagued. That's how I feel these days. I cannot remember the last time I had a restful nights sleep. My options seem to consist of either: tossing and turning, up every 45 minutes all night, dreaming insanely crazy dreams, or some combination of the three. What I've noticed is: I'm a bitch. I'm not getting rest. I'm still running myself ragged all day- then add in my intense workout schedule lately. I'm naturally exhausted. But, that doesn't seem to matter. I do have a little blue pill- not that kind- Ambien CR 12.5 mg- which is a strong dose. I TRY very hard not to use them often. The truth is, when I take one... I don't remember falling to sleep. I don't remember anything until the sun comes up. You would think that is a good option. However, its really not. I feel drugged. During the day, I have little tolerance for the kids being uncooperative. I also find myself yelling at them a lot. Which, isn't something that I do frequently. The other issue currently is that Chris is in Texas, again. So, I don't have him here to take any parenting responsibility with them. Its fantastic really. I feel like I need to apologize constantly for being so upset and easily rattled. At this rate, its going to be a long summer.

On another note, mom is here. She suddenly lost her job last week. She walked in, worked half a day and then they pulled her into an office and told her that her position was being dissolved. They asked for her keys, her credit cards, and escorted her from the building. No warning. No nothing. They did offer her a severance package. Its not great, but it will help. In the meantime, I flew her out here and have no intentions of letting her go back there to live. I offered help to move her out of her apartment to either Nashville (with my sisters) or here. She did bring along her resume and interestingly enough, we found a PERFECT position for her at the local hospital last night. She is sitting in the other room right now updating her resume and I hope to have her applying for positions by the end of the night. She has no one in Indiana anymore and losing her job was just the kick in the butt me and my sisters have been waiting for to make her realize that fact. We'll see how this goes...

So, I've been killing myself at the gym. For the past two weeks- I've missed three days. My body aches from sore muscles but I'm finally starting to notice some change on my running time/pace. Also, even though the scale hasn't been completely reflective of my workouts and diet- my clothes are fitting better/more comfortably. My next race is just a 5k in mid August. Then, I'm not sure what I'm going to do from August until November. However, in November... I'm registering for the Philly half marathon. I made my decision a few days ago and I'm working hard training for this race. I will be ready.

Beating myself up...

I've spent 7 of the last 8 days... working out... hard. Every muscle in my body aches. I'm constantly reminded of the abuse to my body with every step and movement I make. Its especially irritating with involuntary movements. So, I decided to take today off. I definitely needed a break. My feet are covered in blisters from the many many miles I've run this week and my shoulders feel as though I could collapse from just the slightest of weights. Regardless of my discomfort, I feel good. I've spent the many hours in the gym this week thinking. If I found my thoughts to be too disheartening- I added more for my body to do. I've pushed myself harder than I ever have and I'm impressed that I could take it. I realize that for anything to be valued- work has to be done to give it value. Its a slow process... but its something that only I can do. I feel the drive in me coming back. I'm excited and motivated and I'm going to keep going. I'm going to do a half marathon in the fall. I can't decide between three locations- each being in its own merit- a good run. My choices are down to Baltimore, Richmond, Va, or Philadelphia, Pa. - I'm giving myself until mid July to make a decision because by the end of July I'll be full force in training for the race I choose. Chris says I'll never do it. I'm going to prove him wrong.

Snap out of it...

I feel like I need someone to smack me really hard and just say "snap out of it." Out of what? Well, I'm not really sure. I've realized lately (by my husband's own admission) that he isn't sure who I am anymore. Truth is: I'm not so sure myself. I remember a time when I was a little more pleasant to be around. Back then, I enjoyed the party... enjoyed even more HOSTING the party. Now, I run away from the party. If I could figure out a way to be by myself... I'd jump on it. However, I am the mother to four and the wife to one and the friend to many. Not sure how good a friend I am anymore... actually, probably pretty crappy. But, I've have the few that I hold tight to and hope that they don't give up on me like the others have. I've spent what is going on three years in a fog. Some days, weeks, months were better than others. But definitely had periods of time when I'd rather run away and never come back. I've given up on the 'fake.' The facade that we all play to cover our reputation for others. I don't care. Many talk, few do anything but talk. The image of the person looking back at me in the mirror is becoming more familiar but its not the person I once was. When Chris and I were in college... when I was young and naive (he says I was NEVER naive) and had the whole world figured out... that girl looked a lot different. We have the same eye color- but my eyes are now just a bit darker. They aren't so welcoming anymore either. They're still a mix of two warm colors... a unique quality found in few. But, they're guarded and untrusting. I'm not sure when that happened. Was it an overnight experience? Probably not. Regardless, they've changed. Some days I feel bad for Chris. The woman I am today is certainly not the girl he married. Once optimistic, now realistic with a side of pessimism. Once driven, now angry. Once carefree and playful, now unamused and weighed down with life. I told him recently that I don't understand how we've gone through many of the same experiences in the past 5 years of our marriage and yet he seems unbothered by it all. I realized that I internalize everything. I may not blow up about it immediately. I may seem to let it go to some degree. But the truth of the matter is... whether or not I talk about it... its still there. He, on the other hand, truly lets it go. I don't understand that. Maybe if I did... things would be better rather than worse. I guess I'm contemplating this all because once again the reminder that life is short has come back up. In the course of the past week, two friends from high school/college have suddenly passed. And my sister is facing a major change in her health as well. I'm just tired. I want to live life like there is no tomorrow. I want to bask in a beautiful starry sky sipping a glass of wine. I want to smell honeysuckles and taste them again like its the first time. I want to wake up in the morning and love my life. When does that happen again?