Over the course of the past few weeks, I found myself a bit emotional. I would say that for the most part I'm a sensitive person but I'm not so much a "cryer". But, for some reason, I've found myself swallowing that lump in my throat a little more frequently than normal.
I'll start with the fact that almost two weeks ago we found out that Julia was accepted into an all girls school that we have been hoping that she would be. Its a prestigious school with lots of famous alumni and a top notch reputation for academics and sports. Julia is an excellent student and a great athlete. But we knew when we started the process that the school wasn't just looking for a great student or a great athlete... they were looking for talented all around girls who will add to their community. Julia made an impression on those at Harpeth when she interviewed, as I have been told by the staff since her acceptance. Julia's acceptance into this school was a HUGE sigh of relief for me as I have struggled with the school that both Julia and Emma are currently attending. I will add- Harpeth Hall begins their admission of girls in the 5th grade- so, this wasn't an option for Emma at this point. The truth is- we (all parents for that matter) want what is best for their children. And without a doubt, Julia's admission into HH will allow her opportunities in academics, sports, and extra cirriculars that she wouldn't have otherwise. As a side note, the tuition for HH is hefty- more than our private college one year tuitions... so, we are trusting God- and trying to be good stewards of our money (along with applying for financial aid/scholarship) to be able to allow this opportunity for Julia. It has taken me these two weeks to finally accept that Julia was offered a seat of only 43 for this 5th grade class. I am proud- and I am excited for her future... and I swallow that lump in my throat once again.
Yesterday was Julia's 10th birthday. Tomorrow is Sophie's 4th birthday. Next month Nicolas turns 13. Chris and I were talking last night and it just feels like it is going too fast. We've blinked our eyes and our children are turning into walking personalities equipped with whit, intelligence, and humor. Each of them are so unique and are the heart and soul of this family. And to think that in a matter of 5 years... 5 YEARS... Nicolas will be an adult... a man... it takes my breath away. Julia turned 10 yesterday- I remember the day I turned ten... and it doesn't feel like 23 years ago. I have so much pride and joy from seeing my children grow and learn and accomplish. But, the selfishness in me wants to make it stop. I have a hard time catching my breath when I think of watching them one by one walk out of my door and into their own lives... but I know its coming... so much faster than I am ready for. There's that lump again... concentrate.
Yesterday we also got news that Chris' uncle Dennis has lung cancer. This felt like a punch in the stomach. We love Dennis and his wife and kids... they are our family. And over the course of the past few years, we've come to appreciate them all so much more... as we've learned to love them not only as family but as friends. I can say- from experience- I know how surreal it feels to be told your parent has cancer. My mom is a cancer survivor... in remission now. It didn't even feel possible when they told us she had to face chemo and immunotherapy. It hurt to see her suffer. It affected every one of us differently but we all struggled through it and hoped and prayed for her to be healed and that the cancer would be treated. It was. So, to once again see this scenario play out with Dennis... is painful. The good news was they caught it early... so, now the fighting begins. I pray for God's hand of mercy on his body- and for comfort to Aunt Debbie and his children (those who married his children, too), and his grandchildren. The lump is bigger now... harder to choke back.
As we laid down to go to bed last night... Chris got a call from his mom. A former classmate had suddenly passed away a few days ago as a result of injuries sustained in a car accident. This man- though I never met him- I had heard stories about. This man- a Godly man- doing the Lord's work through missionary involvement had left behind a wife and three boys... the youngest only a few months old. Chris' last words last night before he went to bed were "This world is so screwed up- and Noah was the one taken? I just don't get it..." My stomach knotted up... that lump in my throat was impossible to fight, and tears began to flow. Chris held me as we fell asleep... time is short... and there are no guarantees of tomorrow.
I think all of this to say- my heart is heavy... I think there is this perception of 'emotional' women... and how we are indiscriminate about our shedding of tears. But, I think that's garbage. Whether or not we swallow that lump or shed tears... the pain, the grieving, the happiness we feel... its a reminder of our humanity. We aren't all the same. We come from different places, different cultures, different backgrounds... but we are all made by the same Father who loves us and who wants to comfort us when we hurt. My heart is heavy- but my hope is in Him.
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