Waking up from the dead....

So, my blogging has fallen to the wayside. Oops...

I found myself thinking today, I feel like I'm starting to wake up again. I spent much of the past year existing. I didn't enjoy my life- I didn't see any hope for things to change. I hit the wall around the end of September. I was, no doubt, the lowest I've ever been in my medial life of almost 32 years. I got to the point where I realized that I had very little control over what was going on in my own home. I hated knowing that I wasn't really doing the best I could for my family-- even though, I tried. So, I started going to counseling. I think, for me, it was the best thing that I could've done. Its been months now- but I definitely believe that my head is becoming more clear. I also believe that my direction in life is regaining purpose and I'm trying to be the woman that I believe I lost over the past decade or so.

In the course of the past few months, I have also gone through a diagnosis process for what started as 'blue fingers.' Randomly, I started noticing that my fingers were turning blue- on both hands- but usually significantly more on the left hand. After observing the changes in my hands and then a sharp change in my overall health- I started to seek answers. I went through my primary doctor and then on to a few specialists who ran tons of lab work and ordered tons of tests. Out of those tests, it was determined that I was in the beginning stages of an autoimmune disease called Lupus. My energy levels rapidly dropped as I fought severe fatigue, muscle soreness, kidney and bladder discomfort and issues, along with a sudden increase in my cholesterol reading, decrease in kidney function, sharp decrease in my Vitamin D, and a drop in my calcium. I felt blindsighted. I still had blue hands and within just a few months- after ultrasounds of my hands- it was established that there was already nerve damage happening in my fingers. This was considered a "flare." From what I understand, a flare can last from days to many months and once treated can go away for years at times. However, while in a flare- course of treatment is necessary to stop any damage to the body that the flare is causing... in my case- the nerves in my fingers and damage to my kidneys. So, I've been on steroids- two now- for about 5.5 months. I've started feeling better. I'm ready to be active again- went from running 24 miles one week to not being able to roll out of bed the next.... the steroids have added about 25 lbs to me in the course of the past 5.5 months. Of course, I'm ECSTATIC about that. Regardless, I'm ready to feel young and healthy again. I'm not sure when I'll be able to run again... but I'm really looking forward to the fact that I WILL run again... soon.

In the meantime, other areas of life are looking up (somewhat). We have made the decision to move south. It's been something we've discussed for a lot of years, but the time was never right. In the past 6 months, I've realized... we NEED change. I've loved being in Maryland and I have fought to stay here but its time to move on. We've put a contract on a new construction home in Nolensville, TN- we got a great deal and we'll be headed down next week to work out the specs on the home. We have our house listed and we are waiting patiently for the right buyer to come and make an offer. Chris' job is promoting him to another position- which will allow him to 'telecommute' his job from home. He will be traveling more once we move- but the promotion comes with a lot of hard work that he has committed into his company over the past few years. They know he would be a huge loss for them if he left- so they chose to accommodate our plans. We are thankful.

The kids are doing well in school. They are excited about the move too. Sophie is progressing slowly. She has had some huge advances in her speech- but she is still receiving 5 therapies a week all told. I don't expect her needs to change very significantly over the next few years- we are working hard to do what is best for her both now and in the future. She'll be 3 next week- her first birthday as an official "Cox."

I think for me... watching life seemingly spiral out of control over the past 2-3 years or so...I've gained some new perspective. I'm jaded, yes. However, I think that the lessons that I've learned give me hope for something better in the future. I don't have it figured out- and I never will. I am a mess every day but I'm learning how to be honest with myself about what's important and what's not. One of these days, I'm going to publish a memoir- the details of the rest of my life- I'll wait to share until then.