What to do?

As a woman, I suppose that when something happens that I don't like or want... my first response is emotional. Truth be told, I don't notice that as my 'conditioned' response and it usually takes my husband pointing it out for me to recognize it.  I hate it when he's right.

Tonight,  I had a little 'eruption' in my already unsettled spirit- concerning my daughter's education.  I won't go into all the details but over the course of the past 4-5 months, we've been researching private schools and have even completed the application/admission process for one school already.  Tonight, I found myself praying that Julia is accepted into this school, though we won't know for another 3-4 weeks.  I'm now trying to figure out what the next step is- the best step.  Chris piped in a little while ago: "its better to be thought a fool and keep quiet, than to open your mouth and it be proved."  This is a paraphrase of a proverb in scripture.  So, I suppose I will sit for a bit longer and try to figure out what should be done... and how to address it.  In the meantime, I'm looking into a few other private options and hoping that we have clarity along the way.

Tomorrow will be day 21 of my 30 day shred.  I did miss two days this past week- once due to illness and once due to chaotic schedule (or poor planning)... but I've doubled up two other days to make up for my absences.  Tomorrow is weigh in/measure day.  I'm not sure what to expect... I haven't been on the scale all week (which is a first for me) and I haven't attempted to measure.  So, we'll see.  Another 10 days left on this first 30 days- then, I plan to start a second 30 days- with an additional workout plan.  I am on a mission.  I'm feeling pretty good.  I do remind myself a lot- that this is a marathon- not a sprint.  Day in and day out... consistency is the key.  

So, yesterday, Chris and I embarked on a new adventure in our old married life of over 14 years... we started "Financial Peace University" - through our church.  I can say that it helps that Dave Ramsey (the creator of the program) is so comical... but, truth is- this is not something that is going to be easy however, we know that the long term effect from this will be worth the pain of dredging through it in the next 13 weeks.  I will warn you, between my intense workout regiment and FPU- I may not be in the best mood for the next 60-90 days. WATCH OUT!

Have I LOST my mind?!?!

Okay- so, day ten is down in the books.  Ten days of sweating away with Jillian Michael's 30 day shred.  After about day 5, the intense soreness started wearing off... though I still had some discomfort (as you would expect)... it wasn't terrible.  The pain has served as a reminder that I'm training flab into muscle and burning calories while I do it.  Yesterday, day nine- I decided that I was ready to move on to level two... a day early.  I'd pretty much mastered level one and I've seen results already from my work.  So, today, I started it up and began my new workout...which I will continue for at least the next 10 days.  I can tell you that the 27 minute circuit training workout I endured today with Jillian made me HATE her.  All the research that I've done on this video and the results... the whole cyber world discusses and pains over level two.  I NOW understand WHY!  She is nuts!  Seriously, I wanted to hurt her.  Now, on the flip side of that... as I"m watching inch by inch my muffin top disappearing... at those times I LOVE her.  So. It is what it is.  In the meantime, I am recording my progress... and there HAS been progress!  My dieting... or calorie counting... or whatever you call it is also going well.  There is some mental switch with me when I work out as hard as I have been... I think twice before I shove garbage in my mouth.  I'm fighting to get off extra weight... I'm killing myself in sweat... so, I don't have to have sugars or fast foods.  I'm okay with that.  In fact, today as I hit the grocery store- I realized in hindsight, I spent the majority of my time (and budget) in the fresh foods- fruits and veggies.  My kids are just going to love me! (insert sarcasm here).  Ten days in- I feel energized, refreshed, and motivated.  Full steam ahead!!!

Anyone else out there working on weight loss goals???

Time to Man Up...

So, I've spent a lot of years struggling with my weight... like, pretty much my entire life.  Looking back, even when I was a size 6 weighing 130 lbs... that isn't what I saw staring back at me in the mirror.  After some time in therapy- I'm certain that I have a grip on the reasons why my self image has always been skewed.  Regardless, weight is a struggle.  Let me back track a bit.

In 1996, I left for college.  Prior to my college arrival, I was a very active teenager.  I spent all of middle and high school playing sports- basketball (primarily), volleyball, and even softball.  I loved sports.  Back then, because I was so active... I could eat whatever I wanted and it was never really a thought.  I was like most kids- I loved fast food and mountain dew... and again, never really thought about it.  So, I started college and my more sedentary life began.  Of course, we walked everywhere on campus- but after the first semester (when I met Chris) it became very evident why the "Freshman Fifteen" was more than a taunting joke... it was a reality for most of my college friends.  Our eating habits became whatever we wanted them to be- and the Trevecca Special (a $5 Large Papa Johns pie) at curfew (midnight back then) 3 times a week most certainly caught up with most of us.  By the fall of my sophomore year, I remember NOT fitting into any of the clothes that I had purchased for my freshman year.  In a year, I had gained 25 lbs.  In December 1997, Chris and I married and I was up 35 lbs from my arrival at Trevecca.  From that point for the next 1.5 years I gained at a steady pace and leveled off just about the time I got pregnant with Nick.  After delivering Nick and using the next 4-5 months using the excuse that I had 'just had a baby'- I realized I had to take control.  So, I did.  Within a matter of about 3 months, I lost about 30 lbs.  I went from a size 16 (busting out) to a size 10.  I was pleased with my results and maintained that for a bit.  Over the course of the next three years, we moved to Maryland, I got complacent again, and I gained all of my weight back... then, I got pregnant again.  After delivering Julia, I got serious about weight loss again and over 6 months- dropped those 30 lbs again.  Back from a 16 to a 10.  I felt good.  Then, I got pregnant with Emma.  My pregnancy with Em was the first and only one that I didn't tip the scale at over 200 lbs.  After delivering Em, I nursed, and because I had lost so much weight prior to the pregnancy- it took awhile to get it back down but I did.  I kept it off for awhile... and maintained a healthy weight- fluctuating between a 10-12 for years.  In 2007, I dropped an additional 20 lbs and was at the lowest I had been since my freshman year in college. I was wearing a 6/8 and small tops. There were many contributors to that loss- namely- STRESS/depression but once I got a hold on myself- I joined weight watchers and finished the loss healthily.  I kept that weight off again for a few years.  Then, gradually, I noticed my weight began creeping up.  At that point, I made a choice to start running.  I found that running was a fantastic outlet for me.  It was definitely a love/hate relationship but I felt so good doing it.  In the middle of that, I injured my Achilles tendon on both my right and left legs (overuse injuries)- and ended up in PT- the first time on the right leg for 6 weeks.  The second injury on my left leg- a grade three tear that I just avoided surgery with--- but the PT lasted 12 weeks this time 3x a week.  It was intense but just drove me harder to train right.  I registered for a half marathon and pressed on.  My weight was staying steady- but I was gaining muscle (which weighs more than fat) and I was in great shape.  Then, in the fall of 2010, I could feel my body changing.  I was training for the Philly Half- and was on schedule- ran 30 miles one week- then the next week couldn't make myself get out of bed.  What the hell?!  I felt my body turn on me.  Day by day- it became glaringly obvious that I was sick and something was going on.  The night we were supposed to leave to head to Philly for the race, Chris asked me to please not run- genuinely concerned for my health and welfare.  I agreed. After many months of tests and my inability to be anything but sedentary due to remarkable pain- it was determined that I have SLE- or Lupus.  I went on steroids- and remained on two steroids for over three months.  My weight climbed.  I was more and more uncomfortable with my shape- and my face- and felt more and more unable to be physically active.  In the meantime, in addition to not exercising, I let my diet slip and the weight gain continued.  I eventually started feeling better- and I attempted to lose some of the weight- but I had gained 30 lbs over the course of about a year.  This past summer, we planned and moved to Tennessee.  I wasn't able to take any of the weight off- honestly, I didn't try very hard.  I missed running and I attempted to go out and run a few times- but I was so heavy- it was awkward and uncomfortable.  So, I stopped.  Then, in October of 2011, this past fall, I had another flare.  It hit me like a ton of bricks and back on the prednisone I went.  This time, I was on for 2 months- and I gained an additional 25-30 lbs... this time, in 3 months.  Its crazy how out of control it got so fast.  So, I've found myself here- VERY dissatisfied with my health, appearance, and confidence.  So, I decided I'm done.  So- everything changes from here on:

In the past I've done some workouts with a video program of Jillian Michaels called "30 Day Shred."  Its insanely INSANE.  But, I know that the results are possible and I need a jump start.  So, I began a new diet- calorie input watching and making better choices.  I also started shredding with Jillian.  After the first day- I remembered WHY this video works.  SHE IS NUTS!  By yesterday (day two), I couldn't take the stairs at all so quickly... one. at. a. time.S.L.O.W.L.Y.... last night, I woke up from pain and discomfort... my arms, legs, calves, back, face (just kidding about the face, kind of)... HURTS.  Today... I almost talked myself out of it... but decided that I have to be diligent if I want change.  So... I did it.  Tonight, I'm walking like a 75 yr old woman.  But, I know... that if I keep with this that the changes I NEED are going to happen.  So, all of the above to say... I'll be blogging more about my journey and my extreme love/hate for Jillian Michaels.... I realize that weight is something that many American's deal with... so, I'm sure that there are plenty of you who read my ramblings who will relate... PLEASE keep me accountable.  I need some follow up!  I do have a full plan ahead... small goals... big goals.  I've measured, weighed, and taken pictures (not sure I"ll ever share... but maybe, we'll see)... and I'm ready for this journey to begin and end.  I'm on my way... to getting healthy again and I cannot wait.  Just remind me--- no pain... no gain!

Good Riddance 2011

Its been a hell of a year for the Cox family.  Its funny... I remember two New Year's Eve's in a row saying "its got to be better next year... cause it CERTAINLY couldn't be any worse."  I can say- I've learned my lesson.  Things can ALWAYS get worse.  So, this year- I'm not saying that... what I am saying is that I'm trying to learn from the hard times and press forward to a happier new year.

2011 brought a lot of changes for our family- a lot of focus and redirection for me and Chris- and a lot of realization of what is important and what is not.  I'm not going to go into the details but I can say that 2011 was undoubtedly the toughest year of my life.   I am thankful to close the door and walk into another year in a new house, a new town, a new state, and a new life.  We have had a very enjoyable Christmas and New year with a ton of family... some from here in Nashville, some from Maryland, and some from Alabama.  I am thankful for all we have and for the blessing it is to be with family.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.

In the coming year- my plans are few... but I do intend to finish up an album--- singer songwriter in nature... not  anything anyone has heard from me thus far.  This album is personal- songs are real- emotions are honest.  This project will be the product of my last few years of life experiences.  Stay tuned.

School is on hold for a bit... with my health being so up and down... I don't want to start back into it until I really have the lupus under control.  I've felt good for about 6-8 weeks.  Of course, with the steroid treatment- I've continued to battle weight gain and so I will spend the new year fighting to get my health back... my weight back down to where it should be... and my lupus in remission.

Chris started a new job last week... so far, so good.  We think it will be a good fit.  We're looking forward to seeing how things work out for him in his new position.

The kids are pressing onward with school... though, we are in the works with a new school option for Julia.  We are in application process and as we find out more... we'll share more.  In the meantime, we're hoping all goes well.  

I'll end this- my first post of 2012 by just saying Welcome NEW YEAR... I'm so happy you're here!!!

Halloween... spiritual depravity?

So, I've contemplated blogging on this very touchy Christian/pagan subject and had decided against it.  However, the more I've thought about it... the more I think there are some things that I need to say when it comes to Halloween.

I'll start with saying: in my life as a child/teen- I only remember trick or treating one year.  That year, I don't know what made my folks decide it was ok- but my grandparents had celebrated their anniversary in hawaii that year and had purchased and sent full hula costumes for us girls- complete with grass skirts.  I vaguely remember us going to a few friends of my parent's houses... not a neighborhood thing... no major big deal.  Honestly, I never felt like I was deprived by not participating.  I really didn't care.  As we got older and were in public schools- it was a little more difficult to explain to peers that we didn't dress up and trick or treat... but, as soon as November 1st hit... life was all about Christmas anyway.

As adults, Chris and I have made the 'stand' to not participate with Halloween with our children.  We never purchased candy and distributed... we never bought costumes.... we never really felt much need to address it with the kids with the exception of : we don't do it.  However, for the first time in our married life of almost 14 years, we seemed to come to the same place on this subject... at the same time, this Halloween.

We recently moved to a new neighborhood- new town- new state... as you can imagine, when you pick up your family from a place that you've made home for the last 11 years- the adjustment can take a little while.  We've enjoyed getting to know our neighbors and we love our neighborhood... and we noticed fairly quickly of the talk about Halloween in the neighborhood.  It's a big deal here.  Chris and I talked about it and surprisingly enough- the things in the past that had tripped us up on Halloween seemed trivial and divisive.  We know the history- we are informed- we know the darkness of the roots of this tradition.  We know November 1st is All Saint's Day- we know. Pagan.- Its a word that Christian's throw around but the connotation associated with it... seems to upset the actual definition.  So, I thought I'd highlight the definition of pagan - here goes:  1. a member of a group professing a polytheistic religion or any religion other than Christianity, Judaism, or Islam
2. a person without any religion; heathen ;    


As I go further into this: I think you should also know- I don't enjoy Halloween.  I don't like scary.  I don't like creepy.  I don't do bloody or evil.  But... I do LOVE people... and I want to be known as someone who loves my neighbor as myself.  I think its also important to note that we've been part of multiple churches and bodies of believers who have made public opinions/standings on Halloween and why Christians should not participate period.  I can say- in those same groups of believers and Christians- I've seen flat out sin and lack of love for fellow believers to the extreme of divisive relationships and separation of groups with little in the way of mercy or forgiveness let alone grace and patience.  I can tell you- all I hear is clanging cymbals.  So, for many of the reasons I am expressing and for some reasons that I don't feel the need to go into... for the love of our neighbors, for the adherence to the new culture we are assimilating to, and for the grace and divine discernment that ONLY God can sometimes give you... or me... we participated/bought costumes/walked around with our neighbors and enjoyed our first Halloween as a Christian family.  I can tell you... it doesn't matter to me what people think about how I raise my children or about the decisions that we choose to make regarding our family.  I think that we've realized through all of the clarity of "understanding" the truth and for throwing that at other believers when they didn't have the 'spiritual maturity' that we did in participating in functions or activities... we lost ourselves in pride and judgmentalness. I don't ever want to look down on my Christian brothers and sisters and pretend that I know or understand more than they do... or that I 'get it' when maybe they don't... yet.  Instead, I want to love others and I want my children to love others- for their differences and their similarities.  I think for me... what Halloween boils down to: when you think you've got it all figured out... hold tight... the ground might just start shifting on you.  God is good!(even on Halloween). :-)

Late in the week- Update...

I have had multiple emails, texts, calls, etc concerning the goings on of my health currently.  So, I thought I would quickly just give a mid/late week update with what I found out yesterday:

On both Monday and Tuesday I went to the doctor.  Monday was to an emergent care type of place.  The doctor there confirmed by swollen lymph nodes and started me on a course of prednisone.  His suggestion was to get into a permanent family doctor ASAP for continued treatment and maintenance.  THANKFULLY, I was successful in finding a family doctor who is only about 10 minutes down the road and to whom I was excessively impressed with.     On Tuesday afternoon, I met with my new family doctor who began a battery of labs on me.  I got a call yesterday afternoon with my results.  Here's how it breaks down:

1. Vitamin D is a 24.  The bottom normal of vitamin D starts at 32... so, its way off.  This has been a continued problem for the past year in conjunction with the beginning SLE (Systematic Lupus Erythematosus) diagnosis.  Evidently, those two things are very closely linked.  As a result, he has started me on a high dose of vitamin D which I will continue for 3 months before having labs rechecked.

2.  Last fall, also in conjunction with the SLE, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism (under active thyroid).  I was informed this is also a common problem with lupus.  Last year my dosing started at .25 and then increased to .5 but as of yesterday, due to the low levels, my dosage has doubled and I'm now on 1.0 of synthroid to help with this problem.

3.  My WBC (white blood count), lymphocytes, and neutrophils were all 'very' elevated, which the doctor said is indicative of an acute bacterial infection.   Interestingly enough,  while at both doctors this week, they did the routine checking of my ears, nose, throat, and lungs and both doctors said everything was clear with no infection.  Obviously, somewhere in my body... infection is plaguing me... so- I have been started on an antibiotic which will hopefully knock whatever it is causing the problem OUT fast.

With all of the above- the good news was that my kidney and liver functions were good- though bordering the low end of normal.  The rest of my electrolytes looked fine and so did my red blood count and platelets. So... the course of treatment is all I mentioned above, as well as continuing on the prednisone.  And the doctors office is making the referral appointment to Vanderbilt hospital for a rheumatologist there.   We are hoping to get an appointment prior to Thanksgiving to kind of keep the flare from getting worse and to keep everything under some type of 'control.'

Currently, I can just say that I am frustrated and extremely fatigued.  The most aggravating symptoms I'm dealing with are the flushed/red facial 'rash', on again off again temperature, and fatigue.  My Raynaud's (blue fingers) is acting up almost daily... but, I don't necessarily mind that so much.  So, that's it in a nutshell.  I'm making adjustments to daily life to alleviate some stress and increased pressure and hopefully that will help.  If you think of me, whisper a prayer... I can use it!

Voila! Prednisone!

So, I've mentioned that I've been feeling a little defeated in the health arena lately.  I have boughts of fatigue which can happen to any busy mom but mine seems to last for extended periods of time paired with blue fingers (Raynaud's Phenomenon) and a variety of other pleasant health dysfunctions.  Last week, I came down with a nasty upper respiratory infection of some sort- although it felt very "flu-like."  After a week of riding my bed and sofa, I finally started to feel a tad bit better on Saturday morning and yesterday I felt a little more like myself.  Imagine my surprise last night when I accidentally discovered that my lymph nodes on the right side of my neck were severely swollen.  The swelling was so significant that it truly freaked me out.  So, this morning, bright and early at 7:15 am, I made an appointment with what will be my new family doctor here in town... but as a new patient, they can't get me in until next week.  Their suggestion, due to the acute swelling, see an urgent care doctor today to start treatment.   So, I did.  I briefly went through my recent history and expressed my concern with the swelling in my lymph nodes.  He examined me and was equally impressed with the size of my glands on the right side.  His exact words were: " with as large as your lymph nodes are currently, I would expect to find a raging infection in your ear, throat, and/ or lungs.  But you don't have any of those.  This is a definite auto immune reaction."  FANTASTIC.  He went on to inform me that if I were symptomatic (complaining of sore throat, difficulty swallowing, and/or high temp) that he would've sent me on for a CAT scan... but instead, he believes that I need to start a round of steroids immediately to get this inflammation under control.  FAN-BLOODY-TASTIC!  His next piece of advice... STOP.  He told me that I have to slow down, that if I don't, I'll end up very ill very fast.  So, here we are again, almost a year later... a doctor in another state telling me that I have begun a 'flare' and has begun me on steroids for at least the next 16 days.  In the meantime, I have to declutter my life and allow my body time to rest and hopefully recover.  I also have to find a  rheumatalogist ASAP to try and help with maintenance on this lovely condition.  In the meantime, I am very frustrated with this whole ordeal.

Chris is headed back to Maryland tomorrow for the last time of this transition.  He will be there for about a week... although the time line hasn't really been clearly laid out for me as far as what his plans are.  I'm so over this separation and traveling/distance.  So glad that its almost over.  Currently, he is still looking for a job- but his current employer has asked for him to stay on until November 18th-- which is great- that gives us another month of insurance and gives him more time to land a job here in Nashville.  He has several leads but the process is going way slower than we had initially anticipated.  We're hoping that we won't be dealing with a lapse of employment at all... of course.

Alright, girls are home from school... mommyhood calls.