The Subjective Truth

I think there are times in life where its best to just say "i just can't understand." Things get hard- pressure pushes on us and as a result the person that really are... is exposed. Sometimes, its encouraging and we realize that we have integrity and character- mercy and patience- love and grace. And other times, the dirt that we are is shown in all brightness and clarity for the world to see.

I remember being a kid in Sunday school and our youth leader saying 'truth is NOT subjective.' He went on to say that truth is absolute- unchanging- it just is. For me, that concept was simple enough to understand at that time in my life. However, today... truth is subjective.

This subjective truth that I know is full of circumstances. The black and the white are mixed into different shades of gray. We can come up with a list of reasons why we are right in the position we stand- a list of reasons that justify actions, words, and lack of action. We can also script out a list of why others are wrong- why we have a right to be where we are in our subjective truth. In all of this confusion, stands a community- a family- a couple----- an individual. The individual has to then decide on the version of truth that they can best live with and accept... and then, we move forward- or backwards- but at least there is movement and not a sedentary motionless shell existing in the presence.

Eyes wide shut....

Chris says my musical taste is "sketch." I'll be the first to admit that my choices in music are eclectic. For me, music is less about the genre and more about the message behind the instrument- the guts of the song are what draws me in. On any given day I could switch between Evanescence to Rascal Flatts and then back to Guns n Roses. The truth is: music is in me. I enjoy it all. And so with that in mind, I'll begin my blog.

In my humble opinion- Damien Rice may be the most genius song writer of modern times. I realize that is a strong statement and I don't take it lightly. I'll mention that I find the rawness and sincerity of his lyrics to be breathtaking. Most days, regardless of my mood, Damien Rice shares my day. My favorite song of his is called "Accidental Babies"--- I know, I know... sketch. But if you have a minute-or five- listen to the link I attached. Honestly, if you can listen to this song and not feel anything- I question if you have a heart.

Along those lines- I heard a song of Rice's for the first time this past week- and I found myself even further drawn into the quirkiness of his lyrics and the brilliance of his delivery. The song is called "Eskimo." Interestingly enough- the song is said to be about his bought with writers block and the inspiration he received from a friend. I can say as a song writer: I've been there. Its interesting to me the "spells" we go through in life. Time periods of joy and happiness- blindness and falling in love- contentment and dreaming that lead to pain and fear- clarity and resentment- frustration and failure. Even more interesting to me is the way that as a writer- those times of extremes breed some of the most beautiful raw emotional sincere truths about ourselves that others are able to relate to on similar levels when we put it down in song form. We think we're all alone out there- no one understands. We believe that we live isolated from the sympathies of others who have/are living similar lives to our own. I don't know that I'll ever really understand how we trick ourselves into believing we're alone. Thankfully, for me, music gives me hope. Honest songs help me realize I'm not alone. Love songs help me have hope for happier times. And music drives me toward life- LIVING life not existing in it. Take a listen to sheer brilliance: Eskimo.

good night sweetheart well its time to go....

In August 2000, Chris, Nick and me made our way north- to Maryland. We really had no idea what the future held for us- but all we knew was that we wanted to be around family. So, we left High Point, NC and we've spent over a decade in Maryland. I'll be the first to admit, the first few years for me were a rough adjustment. I wasn't used to the snow or the 8 months of winter or the insanely congested way of life. I remember when we first moved here thinking we would NEVER be able to afford a home of our own. Now, fast forward 10 years and we're almost 7 years into our second home. I've loved Maryland. I've loved the 'realness' of the residents, the aggressiveness of the driving, and the terrain of the countryside. However, a decade plus into our plan for our life here in the Mid Atlantic... and things have changed a lot. In 2002, we had Julia. I love her. She's made life an adventure. She's brave and smart and soft hearted. In late 2003, along came Emma. She's funny- and adorable- and quick witted. And very much to our surprise (due to sterilization surgery in 2004 and our plans to not have anymore children)--- along came Sophia in 2008. Our journey with Sophia has been battled and hard and exhausting- but in Dec. 2010- she legally became ours. So, now, here we are with four children--- and us.

I'd be lying if I said that life is how I expected it would be... over 13 years into our marriage. The term "life happened" is all too real a reality to us here under this roof. Chris finished his degree--- THANK GOD! and we had a family--- THANK YOU, GOD!---- and now, we have been placed in a spot in life where we have a road with two forks--- and we had a decision to make. We've loved our time here and we love our family here. We've valued every get together, party, event, and holiday that we've had the opportunity to participate in due to our geographical location. However, we've come to a point where we know and believe that change is what will best suit our family of six. Its not an easy decision- we're leaving behind dear loved ones and very close friends- we're leaving behind a home that we've built together and a life that we've created in 21014. However, for the overall happiness and strength of our family- we KNOW that the time has come to move south. We found a home. We placed a contract- and our dream home is being constructed. The floor plans, the wall colors, the cabinet texture, and the landscaping design are all our choice- but the bottom line has nothing to do with the structure that we are moving into. The bottom line is that: its time to make a choice in the fork in the road. I'm thankful that Chris and I land on the same side. I'm more thankful that the side we chose also has family waiting at its end. The transition won't be easy- but its what we believe is best. In the meantime, we are trusting that our home here in 21014 will be sold in time for our departure to 37135. I'll leave with this- a poem I was forced to memorize in the 11th grade- but now that I'm 32, i'm glad I still remember it:

The Road Less Traveled:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

...Robert Frost

Waking up from the dead....

So, my blogging has fallen to the wayside. Oops...

I found myself thinking today, I feel like I'm starting to wake up again. I spent much of the past year existing. I didn't enjoy my life- I didn't see any hope for things to change. I hit the wall around the end of September. I was, no doubt, the lowest I've ever been in my medial life of almost 32 years. I got to the point where I realized that I had very little control over what was going on in my own home. I hated knowing that I wasn't really doing the best I could for my family-- even though, I tried. So, I started going to counseling. I think, for me, it was the best thing that I could've done. Its been months now- but I definitely believe that my head is becoming more clear. I also believe that my direction in life is regaining purpose and I'm trying to be the woman that I believe I lost over the past decade or so.

In the course of the past few months, I have also gone through a diagnosis process for what started as 'blue fingers.' Randomly, I started noticing that my fingers were turning blue- on both hands- but usually significantly more on the left hand. After observing the changes in my hands and then a sharp change in my overall health- I started to seek answers. I went through my primary doctor and then on to a few specialists who ran tons of lab work and ordered tons of tests. Out of those tests, it was determined that I was in the beginning stages of an autoimmune disease called Lupus. My energy levels rapidly dropped as I fought severe fatigue, muscle soreness, kidney and bladder discomfort and issues, along with a sudden increase in my cholesterol reading, decrease in kidney function, sharp decrease in my Vitamin D, and a drop in my calcium. I felt blindsighted. I still had blue hands and within just a few months- after ultrasounds of my hands- it was established that there was already nerve damage happening in my fingers. This was considered a "flare." From what I understand, a flare can last from days to many months and once treated can go away for years at times. However, while in a flare- course of treatment is necessary to stop any damage to the body that the flare is causing... in my case- the nerves in my fingers and damage to my kidneys. So, I've been on steroids- two now- for about 5.5 months. I've started feeling better. I'm ready to be active again- went from running 24 miles one week to not being able to roll out of bed the next.... the steroids have added about 25 lbs to me in the course of the past 5.5 months. Of course, I'm ECSTATIC about that. Regardless, I'm ready to feel young and healthy again. I'm not sure when I'll be able to run again... but I'm really looking forward to the fact that I WILL run again... soon.

In the meantime, other areas of life are looking up (somewhat). We have made the decision to move south. It's been something we've discussed for a lot of years, but the time was never right. In the past 6 months, I've realized... we NEED change. I've loved being in Maryland and I have fought to stay here but its time to move on. We've put a contract on a new construction home in Nolensville, TN- we got a great deal and we'll be headed down next week to work out the specs on the home. We have our house listed and we are waiting patiently for the right buyer to come and make an offer. Chris' job is promoting him to another position- which will allow him to 'telecommute' his job from home. He will be traveling more once we move- but the promotion comes with a lot of hard work that he has committed into his company over the past few years. They know he would be a huge loss for them if he left- so they chose to accommodate our plans. We are thankful.

The kids are doing well in school. They are excited about the move too. Sophie is progressing slowly. She has had some huge advances in her speech- but she is still receiving 5 therapies a week all told. I don't expect her needs to change very significantly over the next few years- we are working hard to do what is best for her both now and in the future. She'll be 3 next week- her first birthday as an official "Cox."

I think for me... watching life seemingly spiral out of control over the past 2-3 years or so...I've gained some new perspective. I'm jaded, yes. However, I think that the lessons that I've learned give me hope for something better in the future. I don't have it figured out- and I never will. I am a mess every day but I'm learning how to be honest with myself about what's important and what's not. One of these days, I'm going to publish a memoir- the details of the rest of my life- I'll wait to share until then.

How much longer until school starts back?!?!

Four kids has its joys: four hugs- four kisses- four "i love you's." And then, it has its frustrations: four mouths screaming, four pairs of arms to keep from hitting each other, four bodies to do laundry for. I swear... if I could get an equal amount of the joys to the frustrations... I'd probably feel less like I am going to pull my hair out. Truth is its been an insanely busy week. Every day the little one has had at least two therapies. And in addition to that in about 90 minutes we will venture out to the FIFTH doctor appointment THIS week. I have literally spent my days running around. Last night I was so exhausted that with the television and lights on I laid down and fell asleep. Chris was even on the bed working on his laptop. Eventually, he woke me up and asked me to move to my side. I vaguely remember rolling over. The good news is the weekend is not going to hot and its only mildly busy. That's more than I can say for the past few weekends.

School starts back in a month. August 30th to be exact. Its not like I am counting the days... oh wait... maybe I am. The sad part is that Nicolas will be starting middle school. I'm not quite ready to be the mom of a middle schooler. However, I suppose it was bound to happen eventually. He's kind of quiet and this is such a completely new experience for him. I'm a bit nervous. I remember my first day of middle school. I started @ Thomasville Middle School in Thomasville, NC. I remember the long halls, and the bells, and switching classes. It was also a new school district for me. So, I didn't have any friends coming in. It ended up being an okay experience I suppose. But I remember how things changed. The expectations were greater. The acknowledgement of puberty was greater. The risks were greater. I guess regardless of MY preparedness or lack there of- we have a month and then its go time. I may cry his first day.

Met my little one's new doctor today. He was very nice. Attentive. I'm pretty picky when it comes to the healthcare providers that I choose for my children. I want someone who is equally able to listen to my concerns and steer me in the right direction. Its interesting the accurateness of a first impression. I've found that in most cases my first impressions line up in the long run. However, there are the occasional ones that don't. Regardless, this new doctor will be a good match for us. I never want to feel rushed and he certainly didn't make me feel that way. I do hate going through all the details of her history- including legal and genetic- but there are times that it is necessary. Other than the fact that I was @ the office for 75 minutes- everything else went exceptionally well.

Ok- I've stolen enough time for this. Back to laundry- and the doctor's office. :-(

That's alright because I love the way you lie...

Don't know if many realize it but Eminem just released a new album called "recovery." My brother in law told me this is his attempt to write through "coming clean." The first song that has been released is called " I love the way you lie" which he collaborates with Rihanna. The lyrics on this song are intensely rich. If you haven't heard it...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_6_OlbxYLc
Not for little ears... that is my warning. I think the song is a perfect example of a codependent unhealthy abusive relationship. If you have ever wondered what it must feel like to be in that situation... here it is for the world to experience.

Speaking of unhealthy relationships... heard last night that my dad apparently moved back to Utah to be with his second wife. He mentioned this in his "happy birthday" to my mom on the phone last night. He said he 'believes in second chances.' On the flip side of this, my sister and her husband helped him get away from his second wife who he painted as an insane party girl. So, for him to up and leave and not tell anyone and go back to where he said it was such a hopeless situation. I don't understand. My mother lost her job a few weeks ago and me and my sisters are very firmly trying to get her to understand that she doesn't need to be in Indiana anymore. We've opened our home and my sisters have opened theirs. Now, we just need to make some things change for her. Dad... I told my sister last night... at some point I fully expect I'll be overflowing with his bullcrap and then... I'll meltdown. But, for now, I'm still not there. I can't seem to make myself feel any emotion for him other than extreme confusion and distrust. Go figure.

Went to court this week. Just a 6 month review before the judge as is required by law for any juvenile in the system. Today marks 7 weeks that the TPR trial has been done. Seven weeks of waiting for a report from the judge. 7 more weeks of silence. Frustration is overwhelming some days.

premature heart pain....

I'll preface with: its been several years now since I've had any issues with my heart. I was regulated out on medication that helped and it got to a point where I was able to stop taking the meds. My heart has a functional/electrical misfiring which has left me with an array of issues. I had a cardiac ablation a few years ago. I have ongoing low blood pressure, and I have an arrhythmia in the lower chamber of my heart. I spent years passing out, fighting cold sweats and clammy skin, monitoring pvc's and doing stress tests. I'm 31, by the way. Anyway, in the past I have had instances of chest pain. In all instances prior, it has proven to be anxiety or stress related. I'm an internal ticking time bomb. I suppose all of us can only take so much, but mine eventually manifests in distress in my heart. So, after 10 days of on and off chest pain... waking in the middle of the night wondering if I was having a heart attack... reasoning in my head that I don't have coronary artery disease or high blood pressure or cholesterol... I finally ended up in the Emergency Department at the local hospital yesterday afternoon. I'm not the person who uses the ED (ER) and I hate the process that goes along with it. However, I started wondering if I was really missing something since this chest pain was continuing to wake me out of a sleep. I spent 8 hours there... and immediately they noticed that my heart rate was abnormally low. It stayed between 40-60 the entire time. I was considered 'bradycardic.' Now, due to my training- running- THAT can and will train your heart to work more efficiently and can cause prolonged low heart rate. However, being trained or not, a heart rate that low needs to be monitored specifically when there are symptoms. I had several EKG's, a telemetry monitor, a chest xray, an ultrasound on my leg for possible DVT, and a CT of my chest for possible PE. After all the workup, and an incredibly nice ED doctor, he gave me the option of being admitted or going home. OF COURSE, I chose to go home. The major concerns were ruled out and he is still insisting I have a stress test done- which I'll call my cardiologist about on Monday. However, the chest pain is still there. Bottom line: simplify. Stress is an interesting thing... we can't change the situations that come our way in most cases. But its not the situations that cause the anxiety- its our response to the stress that cause anxiety. So, today... I slept and laid around and didn't do much of anything. The week starts back full blast tomorrow- but I NEED a vacation. My heart and body and mind NEED to rest. I NEED to not feel so consumed by life. The good news is: after this work week... we have vacation. Friends are coming to stay for the week and we are going to the beach, and the pool, and the city, and having crabs and beer, and then to an amusement park. I NEED to laugh. I NEED to unwind. I NEED to throw my schedule out for a week and breath normally. For those of you who worry... don't. I'm trying to take this seriously. Nothing like laying in a hospital bed with a heart monitor on at the age of 31. I'll slow down, I promise.