How much longer until school starts back?!?!

Four kids has its joys: four hugs- four kisses- four "i love you's." And then, it has its frustrations: four mouths screaming, four pairs of arms to keep from hitting each other, four bodies to do laundry for. I swear... if I could get an equal amount of the joys to the frustrations... I'd probably feel less like I am going to pull my hair out. Truth is its been an insanely busy week. Every day the little one has had at least two therapies. And in addition to that in about 90 minutes we will venture out to the FIFTH doctor appointment THIS week. I have literally spent my days running around. Last night I was so exhausted that with the television and lights on I laid down and fell asleep. Chris was even on the bed working on his laptop. Eventually, he woke me up and asked me to move to my side. I vaguely remember rolling over. The good news is the weekend is not going to hot and its only mildly busy. That's more than I can say for the past few weekends.

School starts back in a month. August 30th to be exact. Its not like I am counting the days... oh wait... maybe I am. The sad part is that Nicolas will be starting middle school. I'm not quite ready to be the mom of a middle schooler. However, I suppose it was bound to happen eventually. He's kind of quiet and this is such a completely new experience for him. I'm a bit nervous. I remember my first day of middle school. I started @ Thomasville Middle School in Thomasville, NC. I remember the long halls, and the bells, and switching classes. It was also a new school district for me. So, I didn't have any friends coming in. It ended up being an okay experience I suppose. But I remember how things changed. The expectations were greater. The acknowledgement of puberty was greater. The risks were greater. I guess regardless of MY preparedness or lack there of- we have a month and then its go time. I may cry his first day.

Met my little one's new doctor today. He was very nice. Attentive. I'm pretty picky when it comes to the healthcare providers that I choose for my children. I want someone who is equally able to listen to my concerns and steer me in the right direction. Its interesting the accurateness of a first impression. I've found that in most cases my first impressions line up in the long run. However, there are the occasional ones that don't. Regardless, this new doctor will be a good match for us. I never want to feel rushed and he certainly didn't make me feel that way. I do hate going through all the details of her history- including legal and genetic- but there are times that it is necessary. Other than the fact that I was @ the office for 75 minutes- everything else went exceptionally well.

Ok- I've stolen enough time for this. Back to laundry- and the doctor's office. :-(

That's alright because I love the way you lie...

Don't know if many realize it but Eminem just released a new album called "recovery." My brother in law told me this is his attempt to write through "coming clean." The first song that has been released is called " I love the way you lie" which he collaborates with Rihanna. The lyrics on this song are intensely rich. If you haven't heard it...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_6_OlbxYLc
Not for little ears... that is my warning. I think the song is a perfect example of a codependent unhealthy abusive relationship. If you have ever wondered what it must feel like to be in that situation... here it is for the world to experience.

Speaking of unhealthy relationships... heard last night that my dad apparently moved back to Utah to be with his second wife. He mentioned this in his "happy birthday" to my mom on the phone last night. He said he 'believes in second chances.' On the flip side of this, my sister and her husband helped him get away from his second wife who he painted as an insane party girl. So, for him to up and leave and not tell anyone and go back to where he said it was such a hopeless situation. I don't understand. My mother lost her job a few weeks ago and me and my sisters are very firmly trying to get her to understand that she doesn't need to be in Indiana anymore. We've opened our home and my sisters have opened theirs. Now, we just need to make some things change for her. Dad... I told my sister last night... at some point I fully expect I'll be overflowing with his bullcrap and then... I'll meltdown. But, for now, I'm still not there. I can't seem to make myself feel any emotion for him other than extreme confusion and distrust. Go figure.

Went to court this week. Just a 6 month review before the judge as is required by law for any juvenile in the system. Today marks 7 weeks that the TPR trial has been done. Seven weeks of waiting for a report from the judge. 7 more weeks of silence. Frustration is overwhelming some days.

premature heart pain....

I'll preface with: its been several years now since I've had any issues with my heart. I was regulated out on medication that helped and it got to a point where I was able to stop taking the meds. My heart has a functional/electrical misfiring which has left me with an array of issues. I had a cardiac ablation a few years ago. I have ongoing low blood pressure, and I have an arrhythmia in the lower chamber of my heart. I spent years passing out, fighting cold sweats and clammy skin, monitoring pvc's and doing stress tests. I'm 31, by the way. Anyway, in the past I have had instances of chest pain. In all instances prior, it has proven to be anxiety or stress related. I'm an internal ticking time bomb. I suppose all of us can only take so much, but mine eventually manifests in distress in my heart. So, after 10 days of on and off chest pain... waking in the middle of the night wondering if I was having a heart attack... reasoning in my head that I don't have coronary artery disease or high blood pressure or cholesterol... I finally ended up in the Emergency Department at the local hospital yesterday afternoon. I'm not the person who uses the ED (ER) and I hate the process that goes along with it. However, I started wondering if I was really missing something since this chest pain was continuing to wake me out of a sleep. I spent 8 hours there... and immediately they noticed that my heart rate was abnormally low. It stayed between 40-60 the entire time. I was considered 'bradycardic.' Now, due to my training- running- THAT can and will train your heart to work more efficiently and can cause prolonged low heart rate. However, being trained or not, a heart rate that low needs to be monitored specifically when there are symptoms. I had several EKG's, a telemetry monitor, a chest xray, an ultrasound on my leg for possible DVT, and a CT of my chest for possible PE. After all the workup, and an incredibly nice ED doctor, he gave me the option of being admitted or going home. OF COURSE, I chose to go home. The major concerns were ruled out and he is still insisting I have a stress test done- which I'll call my cardiologist about on Monday. However, the chest pain is still there. Bottom line: simplify. Stress is an interesting thing... we can't change the situations that come our way in most cases. But its not the situations that cause the anxiety- its our response to the stress that cause anxiety. So, today... I slept and laid around and didn't do much of anything. The week starts back full blast tomorrow- but I NEED a vacation. My heart and body and mind NEED to rest. I NEED to not feel so consumed by life. The good news is: after this work week... we have vacation. Friends are coming to stay for the week and we are going to the beach, and the pool, and the city, and having crabs and beer, and then to an amusement park. I NEED to laugh. I NEED to unwind. I NEED to throw my schedule out for a week and breath normally. For those of you who worry... don't. I'm trying to take this seriously. Nothing like laying in a hospital bed with a heart monitor on at the age of 31. I'll slow down, I promise.